


The Pillar of Salt

by CeciliaCrescent



Category: The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Canon - Book, F/F, Retelling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7756756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeciliaCrescent/pseuds/CeciliaCrescent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Price of Salt, written from Carol's POV. This is based solely on the book since we have an abundance of fics of the movie already. Please let me know your thoughts on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the long note. Just skip it if you don’t want to read it, it’s not really important as it’s just my ramblings about this.
> 
> There’s a plethora of works here about the movie or the movie and the book but I only come across very few that focused solely on the book. I love the movie very much and all (Cate Blanchett, you are simply a goddess. I absolutely adore you) but I read the book first before I saw the movie and so I have my own preconception of the story and characters as opposed to the ones shown in the movie.
> 
> Not only that but the character personalities themselves are a bit different in the movie such as Therese being less selfish (a change I very much applauded) since she blames herself for Carol’s predicaments as opposed to the Therese in the book that simply wants Carol all to herself, or Carol being more vulnerable in the movie (Cate’s eyes are always so dreamily teary…) instead of always looking preoccupied or reprimanding and aloof in the book.  
> So I decided to write this fiction using as much reference from the book as I possibly can without overstepping the boundaries to what can be considered plagiarizing. It probably won’t come close to Patricia Highsmith’s level of writing anyway. And just to get it out of the way later, none of the characters are mine, yadda yadda, all the credit goes to the talented author of the book, you get the idea.
> 
> So enough of my rambling and without further ado, enjoy the story~

“Welcome to Frankenberg’s!” The PA speaker blurted out as it always did every quarter of an hour at the department store’s entrance. But the roar of people’s simultaneous chattering as they walked in and out of the doorways silenced it. Even on a Thursday, one of the least busy days in the store, the hoard of customers swarming the department store just wouldn’t cease. But it was to be expected, because it was the week before Christmas in New York City. All along the aisles were customers busily browsing through the shelves, picking out any last minute Christmas presents they forgot to buy before the holidays officially began. Carol was one such customer.

She was on the third floor of the department store, looking at the selection of sweaters for a gift to give Mrs. Riordan, the wife of one of her husband’s acquaintances. Mrs. Riordan always complained of feeling cold especially during the winter season and Carol remembered the nice blouse she gave Carol last Christmas. Because she met Mrs. Riordan through her husband Harge, she doubt she’ll ever meet the middle aged lady again after the upcoming months, but Carol only gave her a greeting card last year and her pride ushered her to return the favor this year with something that would at least match the value of the blouse she had received.

She was very nice, unlike her husband who always talked business whenever Harge would ask him to stop by for a cup of coffee. Mrs. Riordan was one of the few among the people she met through her husband that bothered to remember her name instead of simply referring to her as “Harge’s wife.” _All of that’s going to change however…_

“May I interest you in any of these?” an old shrilly voice said from the corner and snapped Carol out of her thoughts. She turned and saw a fifty-something woman wearing a nameplate with the number five forty-four that said “Ruby” holding out a couple of sweaters to her. She liked the purple V-necked sweater because the color reminded her of the blouse she had received, but remembered suddenly Mrs. Riordan would rather be warm than fashionable.

“Do you have any turtleneck sweaters of this color?” Carol asked the saleslady and a minute later, she came back holding a stack of the mentioned sweater. Mrs. Riordan was plump and seemed to be gaining weight the last time Carol saw her so she bought a large sized sweater to be safe.

Next on her shopping list was something for her best friend Abby. She remembered Abby asking they take a weekend off to go skiing at some mountain cabin near Lake Tahoe but she quickly withdrew that suggestion when she realized that her ski equipment was broken. Carol seemed to like the notion although the idea of falling face first into the snow while winding down an icy hill wasn’t very appealing. Still, she knew she’d have plenty of time on her hands soon. _I might have to take some skiing lessons first. God knows I won’t hear the end of Abby’s mockery if I hit the snow first before she does. Maybe I’ll just buy her something else. I haven’t really skied for a long time. It was about how many years ago…?_

“Third Floor, women’s apparel.” The speaker inside the elevator said as it opened in front of her. Carol quickly killed her last train of thought and entered the elevator into the ski department on the fifth floor anyway.

“What about this one then?” the salesclerk brought out another pair of skis while Carol was inspecting the ones already sprawled out in front of her. The man was so eager to sell his wares that it occurred to Carol that he must’ve had some sort of commission from whatever he managed to sell to the customers. It irritated her because he would follow her all around the floor, trying to get her to buy any of the equipment they came across. It was probably because of Carol’s mink coat and posh manners that made her look like a big buyer. But she loved that mink coat and took it everywhere with her when she had an excuse to. And her manners, why on earth would she change that?

_If I only wasn’t getting this for my best friend, I’d storm right out of here and come back another time when a different clerk is manning this department…_

Finally, as if out of resignation, she decided on a pair of hardwood skis that looked durable enough to take on any misadventures Abby would run into. “I’ll pay COD.” Carol said, looking at the price tag.

“Thank you very much for your purchase.” The salesclerk said as he took out a green COD slip and began writing down Carol’s info and address. “We’ll have it delivered to New Jersey before the end of next week, Mrs. Aird.”

“End of next week?” Carol’s blonde eyebrows lifted in slight surprise, although the fact that he called her by her surname seemed to have made more of an impression on her. _Quite a friendly fellow, isn’t he? Maybe a little too friendly._ “You mean, it may not arrive before Christmas?”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Aird, but we’ve been getting so many requests for deliveries this week that it might take a while to have them all delivered.” _It figures. Not everybody would want to carry a set of ski gear out of the store and stuff it in the back of their oversized trunk or tie it to the top of their cars if they can just have it delivered. Well, I supposed I’ll just tell Abby her gift will have to come after Christmas. She’ll understand anyway._

“Very well.” She turned around and walked away from the man. He called back to her, telling her that she forgot the COD slip but she was getting tired of being called Mrs. Aird in public by a man she didn’t know at all and just ignored him.

The last on her list was something for Rindy, her beloved daughter. Mrs. Riordan’s sweater, she could have easily bought some other time, Abby’s ski gear, she could have even brought Abby herself along to pick it out, but Rindy’s present, that’s what Carol drove all the way to New York for. How could she forget to buy the most important person in her life a gift for Christmas? Well, she knew why. The events in Carol’s life have been such a whirlpool over the past few months and she expects it will still be for months to come. But she knew it was a petty excuse for that potential neglect and so she marched her way back to the elevator and looked at the directory before stepping in. There was a toy department in both the basement and on the seventh floor, she saw, and since she was at the fifth floor, decided to go to the one on the seventh floor first before heading over to the basement if she doesn’t see anything she likes.

_What a dull day this is turning out to be_ , she thought as she exited the elevator and into the toy department.


	2. Chapter 2

As expected, the toy department was the busiest section of the store because of the upcoming holidays. Salesclerks waiting on several customers at once, frantic mothers picking one of every item they can get their hands on to give to their friends’ children, even some of the store supervisors seemed to have fallen to the ranks of waiting on customers just to fill in the needed manpower.

 _What to get for Rindy…?_ Carol wondered as she walked across the aisles. Frankenberg’s toy department had a wide assortment of playthings from rattles for toddlers to toy guns for little boys and dolls for little girls. But Rindy was already seven and she must have outgrown dolls already, Carol thought.

Suddenly, an idea popped in her mind. She recalled one time when Rindy had admired one of the valises that Carol brought one time when she had to visit Harge’s family. “What a pretty bag! Can I have one just like it, Mother?” Carol had told her that they didn’t make any bags like those for children and even if they did, it wasn’t very practical for her to bring to school.

Looking around the dolls section however, there was a neat selection of dolls clothes and accessories to choose from, with several dolls’ valises looking similar to the one Rindy had admired. Even if she won’t use it to play with her dolls, Carol thought, at least she’ll know that Carol remembered the valise that Rindy had liked. She could even say that until she gets older, it’ll act as a reminder, and when she’s finally a big girl, then she’ll buy her an actual valise.

As she tried to approach one of the counters however, several other customers got in her way and monopolized the sales staff’s attention at once. _Maybe I’ll just give her something else. What did I want when I was her age…?_

Then, just as she turned her head towards the dolls’ accessories that she was ready to abandon, she spotted a salesgirl looking right at her. She was opening a box but her silent expression suggested that she could drop whatever she was doing then and assist Carol. She wasn’t wearing a smock either and so it dawned upon Carol that she must’ve been only a temporary saleslady they hired for the Christmas rush. Normally, she’d think twice about asking assistance from someone who didn’t seem experienced, but the crowdedness of the toy department was making her feel uncomfortable and the sooner she could get Rindy’s present, the better.

As she walked towards the counter where the salesgirl was stationed, the latter really did cease whatever she was doing and gave Carol her full attention. _Finally_ , she thought. “May I see one of those valises?” She said and looked at the ones on display. But as the salesgirl brought out some of the ones in stock, Carol glanced away from them because they didn’t resemble the one Rindy had admired. Then she saw a near-exact replica of the valise Rindy wanted displayed on one of the cases behind the salesgirl. Brown and very elegant, it was perfect. The problem was, it was on display and Carol wasn’t quite sure if the store allowed the customers to buy those so she asked the salesgirl if she could have it.

“Yes.” The girl answered and to Carol’s surprise, the girl quickly retreated into one of the stock rooms and took out a key to get the one she had gestured to.

“You’re giving me the one on display?” she smiled. _First a scraggly old woman in the sweater department then an overenthusiastic salesman in the ski department, and now this. Frankenberg’s just full of surprises today._ “Alright, I’ll like this.” Then Carol took out her billfold and saw that she had brought much less money today than she expected. She already spent a few bills on the sweater for Mrs. Riordan and it was a good idea to have enough money just in case she needs to buy something else that can’t be bought on credit. “That’s COD.” Then she saw some clothes that would probably match the valise. _Might as well get some other things related to dolls while I’m at it._ She asked about doll’s clothes and the girl recommended her to see the doll’s clothing department instead. Then she suddenly remembered that if she bought on COD, it may not arrive before Christmas, just like Abby’s skis. “Will this get to New Jersey before Christmas?”

“Yes, it’ll arrive Monday.” The girl said, much to Carol’s delight. How a simple plaything with much more demand during Christmas season would arrive before a set of ski gear, she didn’t know, and frankly didn’t care either. She gave the girl her details and address, remembering the persistent man in the ski department and half expected for her to be calling her Mrs. Aird too. But instead, the salesgirl obediently did her obligations as she scribbled away on the green slip of paper. After that, Carol signed the little slip and turned away. _Hmm, she said the doll’s clothing department was right across the aisle…_

But as she looked around again, the other salesgirls were too preoccupied with other customers to assist her, mostly mothers bringing along their children whose ages ranged from toddlers to grade school kids. One of them was a little boy wearing a cowboy hat and Carol suddenly remembered Rindy being so enthusiastic about a television show with a cowboy and said she had wanted a doll of him. _Now what was his name again?_ Carol pondered as she searched around the dolls section again and there he was, standing on a display case near the salesgirl whom she had bought the valise from. _Hopalong Cassidy._

Carol went back to the salesgirl and she gave her that same quiet and eager expression that suggested she could wait on her again. “May I see that doll over there?” She pointed at the cowboy inside the display case. The girl took it out and Carol inspected it _. Yes, this is perfect. S_ he asked to buy it as well. The salesgirl took out another COD slip and Carol robotically gave her info again as it would be the third time this day.

She seemed to like this girl, better than the annoying man in the ski department anyway. It was probably because she was only a temp and didn’t give off that vibe of wanting to sell everything to her if given the chance like most tenured salesclerks are nowadays. Carol noticed the girl struggling to secure the purchase for delivery later. _Poor girl, you don’t belong here, do you?_ “It’s a rotten job, isn’t it?” Carol said in a small burst of sympathy.

“Yes.” The girl answered and confirmed Carol’s suspicions as she went through the rounds of finishing the order. _Well, hang in there, darling. We must all be going through some difficult times._

Afterwards, Carol left the toy department and was finally relived to leave Frankenberg’s altogether. As she drove home in her long green car, Christmas songs began playing on the radio. She remembered always looking forward towards Christmas as a little girl. The season of giving, where strangers would nod and smile at each other happily when it would seem strange to do so on any other time of the year. A small sigh escaped her mouth. She wouldn’t be able to enjoy Christmas as much this year. She glanced at her purse that contained the folded paperwork that she received from her lawyer Fred the previous day, the divorce papers. While other families would be off enjoying the holiday season, Carol’s family was dissolving into nothing. But she reminded herself that once the divorce pushes through, she can happily spend most of the year with her beloved daughter, free from any interference from her husband. “Merry Christmas, Carol.” She murmured as she parked her car at the house.


	3. Chapter 3

“Don’t sleep too late tonight. You still have to get up early tomorrow for school.” Carol said over the telephone.

“I won’t, Mother.” Rindy said on the other end of the line. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” Carol said as they finally hang up on the phone. She walked into the living room with the fireplace and sat down on one of the sofas. The house was very quiet, as it has always been on the evenings when it was just Carol and Florence, the maid. Florence, however, already retired into her room after a day of chores around the house. Carol wanted to telephone Abby but nobody answered the phone after the third call so she got the book about the Alps that she started reading the week before and turned to the page where the floral bookmark was. But after two or three pages, she couldn’t enjoy the book with the uneasy silence and so she placed a record in the phonograph.

“Much better.” She murmured as she went back to her book. But her mind only seemed to pay half attention to it as she sat there thinking. She had been married to Hargess Foster Aird for about ten years now and their daughter Nerinda “Rindy” Aird was turning eight next April. You’d think that for a marriage that lasted that long, there would be little reason to get a divorce, but for Carol there was plenty. She would do anything for her precious daughter, but her relationship with her husband has been a little more than rocky and strained over the past few years. She can’t even remember the last time she and Harge had made love.

Eventually, none of the words made sense anymore in the book that she was reading so she placed it back into the bookshelf and retired to her room. It was still too early for her to sleep but she had nothing better to do so she flung herself on her bed and inevitably, her thoughts drifted away again. What started out as a happy, giddy little marriage when she was around twenty had taken a turn to a somewhat callous relationship. There were nights when Carol would lock herself in her own room after having a heated argument with Harge about her in-laws, and sometimes Harge would return the favor by taking Rindy out one weekend without any word even before Carol wakes up. The poor little girl was always tossed around between her two parents the last couple of years and it was part of the reason why they decided on a divorce.

Rindy was staying at her grandparents’ house with Harge the past few weeks and Carol could do nothing but simply telephone her every day because she dreaded seeing Harge’s family. She reminded herself again that once the divorce pushes through, she wouldn’t have to worry about not seeing her daughter as often anymore because matters regarding Rindy’s custody were naturally going in her favor being the mother.

_She’s still too young to understand what’s going on between me and Harge… Maybe I’ll explain it to her when I have to tell her about the Birds and the Bees… How old was I when my parents told me about that…? I think it was when my sister…_

Carol fell asleep. 

* * *

 

“Here’s today’s mail, Ma’am.” Florence said as she placed some envelopes on the counter. Carol didn’t spare a glance at them as she continued sipping her cup of coffee. Today, she was thinking about asking Abby to play tennis in the afternoon as they always did before on Saturday afternoons. But today was a Friday, not that it would make any difference for the two women. They seemed to have all the time in the world. Abigail Gerhard was only working as a reserve entomologist because her tomboyish nature as a child lead her to a fascination with bugs. She also made just enough money with other little jobs to get by since she was living with her family. Carol on the other hand, had nothing to do. Harge never like the idea of her working, probably something he got from his family who wanted nothing more than a well behaved wife for their son. Mrs. Aird was supposed to be this demure, obedient and responsible wife that would fit in with the rest of the family.

Carol was not like that.

“I’ll be off to the supermarket now, Ma’am.” Florence said and broke Carol from her train of thought.

“Ah, yes. Try to be back in a couple of hours.” Carol said, snapping back to reality. “There’s this recipe I’d like for you to try out. It’s hanging on the refrigerator door.”

“Will do, Ma’am.” Carol was never really a good cook. She knew how to cook, she just wasn’t very good at it. Harge didn’t seem to mind since there was always Florence for that. All he ever cared for was for her to say yes to everything he said, like a good wife.

She remembered the furniture shop that she and Abby started several months ago. Harge didn’t like that idea either, even though Carol thought it might actually help them since it gave her a reason to see him less. Distance makes the heart grow fonder she thought. Though that didn’t turn out very well either, and that was another thing that lead into the decision of the divorce.

 _What a dreary thing to think about especially since it’s almost Christmas,_ she chided to herself. Carol finished her cup of coffee and finally glanced at today’s mail. Most of them were Christmas cards and letters from well-wishers addressed to Harge or Mr. and Mrs. Hargess Aird. None of them knew he was staying at his family’s house. _Maybe I’ll mail them to him this afternoon._ She sighed as she looked through them one by one. She suddenly wished there was a card in there for her but it was a slim chance since most of the people who bothered to send them cards and letters, she met through Harge.

Yet lo and behold, there it was, addressed to a Mrs. H. F. Aird. Carol thought she just missed the Mr. before it but as she looked at the sender, she saw that it was from Frankenberg’s. Her blonde eyebrows raised as she got her wooden letter opener and carefully tore through the envelope’s edge.

“Special salutations from Frankenberg’s.” It read. But in place of a signature, only the code 645-A was written at the bottom. _Now who could this be from?_ She tried to recall the events from the previous day and remembered the salesman from the ski department who was being overly friendly. Since she gave her name and address when she ordered Abby’s present, he must’ve decided to send her a card as well. When Carol thought about it, it did seem that she was rather harsh and curt towards him during their encounter. _The poor man must’ve only tried to share the Christmas spirit. Maybe he was having just as rotten a day as I was having…_ Then she remembered the old woman from the sweater department. Her name tag had some sort of number on it, 544, and it suddenly occurred to Carol that this 645-A must’ve been the employee number of the one who sent her the card.

 _Well, it was still nice of him to send me, a total stranger, the card,_ she thought and placed the opened envelope on top of the other ones as if it was a small victory that she received a card that was actually addressed to her. She figured she might as well call to thank the man, since it was the season of Christmas and all. _One kind word deserves another_ , she thought as she walked towards the telephone.

“Hello, I would like to speak to one of the employees.” Carol said to the operator after much redirection through the phone lines. “A specific employee, yes. Six forty-five A.”

“One moment please.” The slightly nasal voice said at the other end. After a few moments of silence, Carol heard the operator’s voice again. “There’s someone on the phone who wants to talk to co-worker number six forty-five A.” Probably talking to the manager or supervisor in the employee’s department. Eventually, after a brief pause “Hello, is this co-worker six forty-five A, Therese Belivet?” _Therese Belivet? A woman? So it wasn’t the man in the ski department after all._ “Go ahead.”

“Hello?” Surely enough, it was a girl’s voice at the other end of the line. Carol tried to remember if she ever met anyone with that voice the previous day. It wasn’t very deep which suggested that it was the voice of a young girl probably in her early twenties. But it wasn’t shrilly or high pitched either which indicated some level of maturity. “Hello?”

Carol snapped out of her preoccupying thoughts and decided to speak up. “Hello. Well—I wanted to thank you for the Christmas card. This is Mrs. Aird. Are you the one who sent it or not?”

“Yes.” The girl on the other end of the line said and very slowly the image of the mysterious girl began to become clearer in Carol’s mind. “I’m very sorry if it annoyed you.”

Finally, it struck her. “You must be the girl in the toy department.” She said and smiled, remembering the nice girl who had waited on her when she was buying Rindy’s present. “It was extremely nice of you to send me the card.”

“It was very nice waiting on you.” She said and Carol’s eyebrows lifted suddenly. She didn’t know why but the sudden kindness from a complete stranger managed to change Carol’s mood. _It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas._

“Was it? Why?”  She couldn’t wipe that smile off her face and impulsively, Carol wanted to meet this nice girl who had immediately brightened her day. Carol asked if they could meet up for some coffee on the excuse that it was Christmas and the two decided on a lunch date instead the next day. Almost immediately, the line died after they set the appointment with Carol just shrugging it off as the girl needing to go back to work.

Slowly however, the happy smile in Carol’s eyes was changing into a self-apologetic one as she lighted a cigarette. She had asked to meet up tomorrow in New York because Carol suddenly remembered she had to go and see Fred again in the afternoon. Carol thought that meeting this kind stranger would put her in a better mood before heading to the law office. She thought about meeting her for dinner instead to maybe overwrite the fatigue that would always come whenever she went to see her lawyer. But she barely knew her and lunch seemed more on the safer side. At any rate, all she could do was wait for good news as she stubbed out the cigarette butt and went along her day.

Abby couldn’t play tennis with her.


	4. Chapter 4

“And where did you get the nice idea of sending me a Christmas card?” Carol said to the girl across the table in the restaurant where they were eating. It was a nice distraction considering her morning was far from ideal. She had overslept and barely managed to leave the house in time to avoid being late. Carol’s perfume began to waft up to her nose after hurriedly applying it to her neck in the car. It brought back the very distant memory of Harge buying her a bottle during their honeymoon in Paris. It was an expensive brand of perfume that Carol had difficulty finding in America so she always bought a bottle whenever she found herself in Europe, which wasn’t very rare since Harge’s family liked to take expensive vacations. It reminded her of the days when she was still very much in love with him. Yet despite deciding to divorce with Harge, she could never bring herself to wear anything else. It was like a memory she was reluctant to forget.

“I remembered you.” The girl answered and Carol’s eyebrows lifted, half in pleasant astonishment at the kind thought and half from being suddenly brought back from her preoccupying thoughts again. A small smile formed in Carol’s lips but she realized that she hadn’t finished putting on all her makeup in the car and reached for her handbag to take out her lipstick and compact mirror. She thought it was rude for her to be gussying up in front of the girl so she offered a cigarette which the girl gratefully accepted. Carol always reached for a smoke whenever she wanted to distract herself from her thoughts and because they were threatening to sweep her away again, she drew a long puff herself.

 _Focus, Carol,_ she chided to herself. _You were the one who asked her to meet with you._ “And do you often get inspired to send Christmas cards?”

“Of course not.” The girl replied shyly and looked down. Carol studied her eyes. They had a certain fire in them that looked like it was repressed. And somehow, Carol saw herself in them.

“Well, here’s to Christmas.” Then Carol clinked their cocktails and drank. The conversation moved onto small talk and Carol was delighted at the easiness that was slowly filling her. Her thoughts had finally moved from the looming divorce or of her lost romance with Harge and onto the subject of that amiable girl seated across her. How she marveled at how a pleasant conversation with a pleasant person could impact her so much. “I like this.” She smiled. “I like it that someone sent me a card, someone I didn’t know. It’s the way things should be at Christmas. And this year, I like it especially.”

“I’m glad.” The girl smiled back. It was as if she could see all of what Carol was going through in her grey eyes, as if she understood that Carol was lonely and was being especially thoughtful for her sake. Carol was happy.

“You’re a very pretty girl. And very sensitive too, aren’t you?”  The girl took another sip from her cocktail and looked at Carol. _Yes, you can see very well in my eyes the tiredness that I feel, don’t you?_

“I think you are magnificent.” The girl instead said and caught Carol completely by surprise that she let out an unsuppressed laugh. _Maybe I’m just thinking too much. I doubt very much someone I just met can actually read me like an open book._

“I’m sure you thought it was a man who sent you the Christmas card, didn’t you?” The girl asked which prompted Carol to retract her last thought.

Realizing the ridiculousness of it all, Carol rolled her eyes and smiled. “I did. I thought it just might be the man in the ski department who’d sent it.”

“I’m sorry.” The girl bashfully said again.

“No, I’m delighted.” Carol finally admitted. “I doubt very much if I’d have gone to lunch with him. No, I’m delighted.” And Carol also doubted whether she would feel this at ease if it had been that man. This girl had a certain solemnness around her as if she internalizes everything Carol would say to her, another thing that made her see herself in the girl.

Slowly, Carol started asking about the girl’s background. She suddenly became interested in this young woman’s life and was rewarded when she noticed that the girl also felt at ease and began telling Carol her life story. Her parents have passed away, she said, and after studying in New Jersey and working on a few jobs afterwards, she found herself alone in Manhattan, working as a temporary clerk in Frankenberg’s.

 _It must’ve been hard coping without parents but it’s nothing too out of the ordinary. I’m sure there’s more to you than you’re letting off._ The girl was dressed up in the standard Frankenberg’s employee uniform although she seemed to be missing the smock. The way she carried herself was not yet that of a fully mature adult but she seemed as if she was always thinking or contemplating on something. But unlike Carol, she never showed any signs of being swept away by preoccupation. And as if right on cue, she said something that Carol missed. The girl added afterwards “What could be duller than past history?” and smiled.

As if trying to hide the shame of being caught not paying full attention, Carol quickly thought of a reply. “Maybe futures that won’t have any history.” Yet the girl smiled as if she made perfect sense.

 _Try to make small talk as well_. Carol suddenly realized that they haven’t formally introduced themselves to each other yet probably because the girl already knew Carol’s name from the COD slip. She looked at the nametag on the girl’s chest that said “Therese” with the number 645-A and the operator’s voice saying the name Therese Belivet from yesterday rang in her head. “What kind of a name is Belivet?”

“It’s Czech. It’s changed.” Therese said and withdrew herself again. “Originally—”

“It’s very original.” Carol interrupted her and Therese smiled. As if she was proud that she was finally able to keep a decent conversation going, Carol took a long triumphant puff from her cigarette.

“What’s your name?” Therese asked and when Carol gave her a confused look she added “Your first name.”

“My name? Carol.” She blew out the smoke. “Please don’t ever call me Carole.” She said, remembering the silly times she has when she buys her perfume in Paris.

“Please don’t ever call me THerese.” Therese said, stressing on the “th” sound. Carol smiled again, amused by how the conversation was going, as if they were exchanging light and playful mockery.

“How do you like it pronounced? Térèz?” pronouncing it the French way as if in conjunction to what she said earlier.

What Carol didn’t expect, however, was the genuine delight in Therese’s eyes as she answered. “Yes. The way you do.” _What a strange girl,_ she mused.

Carol eventually noticed the time and felt that it was a shame that their meeting was about to end. She wanted to see more of this interesting girl. “What do you do on Sundays?” She tried her luck.

“I don’t always know. Nothing in particular.” Therese answered. “What do you do?”

“Nothing… Lately.” Her eyes dropped down again at the last word. A slight pang of sorrow welled up in her chest. But that was exactly what she was hoping to change from now on. “If you’d like to visit me sometime, you’re welcome to.” She invited her in a subtle manner as if her pride prevented her from sounding like she was too desperate to escape her loneliness. “At least there’s some country around where I live.” Another excuse. “Would you like to come this Sunday?”

“Yes.” She almost immediately replied, as if Therese was the one showing the eagerness that Carol ought to show if it wasn’t for her well-constructed façade. _Who are you, really?_

Instead, Carol studied Therese’s face for a quick moment before eventually saying “What a strange girl you are.”

“Why?”

 _I can’t explain it. You surprise me in more ways than one. It’s as if you don’t belong to where you are right now… Like you came from some other place that I know… Almost as if you were…_ “Flung out of space.”

* * *

 Carol paid the bill before they left. Therese immediately protested but Carol insisted. “I was the one who invited you and so it’s only right that I foot the bill.” Therese smiled sheepishly as they both parted ways. The time was half an hour past one and a slight guiltiness crept up on Carol as she hailed a taxi. Therese said she only had an hour from twelve to one and so she was terribly late for her shift. _I’ll just have to make it up to her this Sunday._ She smirked. Carol looked out the window and saw Therese hurriedly running to the direction of Frankenberg’s, while the taxi was heading towards the law offices downtown.


	5. Chapter 5

The mantel clock’s ticking was all that could be heard in the eerie silence at six o’clock that evening. Carol was sitting on the couch, puffing away at another cigarette as she waited for the time to pass.

“Call me when you get back tomorrow, okay? I’ll want to hear all about your trip with Robin’s family.” Carol fondly said on the telephone earlier that evening.

“Alright, Mother.” Rindy replied. “But I’ll come over there on Monday after school so maybe I can tell you all about it then.”

“I’ll be waiting then.” Carol’s lips pursed in a small smile as she gently caressed her thigh, imagining it was her daughter’s sleeping head on her lap.

But faintly in the background, she could hear some of the chattering of Harge’s family and her smile was cleanly wiped off. “She’s talking to Carol again…” Then an irritated sigh was heard.

“How could she be so callous about divorcing Harge without even thinking about poor Rindy? Does she really even care about her?”

“I knew she wasn’t good enough for him the moment I saw her. Why just the other day, I heard that she—”

“Mother?” Rindy’s voice finally reached Carol’s consciousness. “Are you still there?”

“Yes, I’m still here.” She blankly said, trying to forget about all that she heard. Her hand was already clutching her thigh through her dress.

“Alright, I’ll go pack my things for tomorrow.” Rindy said and as Carol was getting ready to put down the phone, “Bye-bye, Mother. I love you.”

Carol’s heart suddenly swelled as she pressed the phone back to her ear. “I love you too, Sweetheart… Have fun tomorrow, okay?”

 

The phone call left Carol in a swirl of emotions as she sat there all alone. Finally, after finishing her cigarette, she stood up and walked up the stairs, stopping for a moment as she looked at the oil painting of Rindy that they hired an artist to paint hanging on the wall. Calmly, she reminded herself that she wouldn’t have to deal with her in-laws again after the divorce and that she could have Rindy all to herself for most of the year. The trip to the law office earlier that day didn’t yield anything new. Fred gave her the same ambiguous answer that he always gives whenever Carol asks when the divorce will finally push through. It did nothing to ease her on the way back home.

She headed towards the wing where her bedroom was but went inside the room opposite of it. It was where Carol would often go to when she wanted to be alone during the time that Harge was still living with her in the house. She sat down on the long green pillowed bench after placing a record on the phonograph.

Living for you… is easy living… It’s easy to live… when you’re in love… and I’m so in love… There’s nothing in life but you…

The lyrics echoed in Carol’s mind as she stared blankly into space. _If only it was that simple… to be in love and then it would be easy living…_

The only person she could really say that she loved was Rindy. But it wasn’t always that way. No, it was far, far different. Rindy was born out of the love she had for Harge and she had loved him dearly. She was quickly swept off her feet, a young girl in her early twenties, ready to stand against the world to be with the one she loved.

“You’re simply beautiful.” He told her and she was over the moon.

It was easy living.

But Harge was a very ambitious man, and like everything else that came second in his life, Carol was set aside as soon as the happy months subsided, which didn’t even last very long. The flames of passion were quickly extinguished into a dull routine, a habit. Even after Rindy was born, it was not enough to cement their love together again. Carol began to feel more and more distant from Harge, who began treating her as if she was nothing more than a trophy in the mantle, an accomplishment in life that would be set aside for the next one. Carol’s heart was broken.

Her family was all the way on the other side of the country in Washington, Harge’s family never liked Carol from the start, and she was never able to make any good friends because Harge always wanted her to just stay at home to take care of Rindy even though they had a maid. Carol had nobody except for Rindy.

Until the day she met Abby again. Good old Abby, whom Carol had known ever since she was four years old. They haven’t seen each other ever since Carol got married and moved to another town. She welcomed her back into her life with open arms as if Abby was the answer to all of Carol’s loneliness and the two best friends began spending a lot of time together. Harge didn’t mind, he even approved of it because he knew Abby would keep his wife from being upset which Harge didn’t want to deal with.

 

The phonograph dropped another record and Carol finally stood up from her trance. She went to get a bottle of brandy from the cabinet and poured herself a glass. The clock’s face showed a quarter of an hour past eight but to Carol it felt like an eternity had passed and at the same time, only a second had gone by since she ended the phone call with Rindy. Everything was always the same in that large quiet house at night.

Carol finished the glass of brandy and went to her room. She flung herself across the side of the bed and placed a pillow under her head, thoughts of Abby still weighing heavily on her mind.

Abby was very rambunctious for a girl when they were kids. She was two years older than Carol and always tried to act like the older figure in a tomboyish sort of way. She would catch the bugs that would scare Carol away and would always be the first one to try something new when Carol would have doubts about it.

But two years made less difference as they grew older and it began to dawn upon Carol why Abby was trying to act tough around her and tried to impress her all the time. She had a few suspicions and hunches then but it was all finally answered when Abby began sending her letters when they couldn’t see each other anymore in middle school. Carol couldn’t believe it at first but somehow knew all along that her best friend has been in love with her ever since they were little.

But they were both girls and so it bothered Carol. If people found out, they would treat Abby with the same scorn and contempt as if they saw a monster, and she didn’t want that to happen to her best friend. So she stayed away from Abby, waiting for the romantic feelings of the latter towards her to pass before resuming their friendship. But by that time, Abby had gone to Europe and the two friends really did drift apart.

A creak from a branch of the tree outside the window brought Carol back to the present. Her eyes flicked to the clock that showed ten thirty-five. Without thinking, she got up, undressed and put on a robe before heading into the bathroom.

Carol slid into the tub and tried to banish everything from her mind as she dipped herself into the water. But as she saw her naked body, the memories of Abby’s caresses on her bare skin shimmered through her. Because after they met again after all those years, Carol never expected her friendship with Abby would turn into so much more, even if only it was just a while.

After Carol and Abby started the furniture shop, she began spending much less time with Harge, who preferred playing golf with his little group of friends anyway. It was only then did Carol realize that she also felt something towards Abby, and as much as she wanted to keep those feelings at bay, they escalated beyond her control.

It was almost too much for her to bear. Abby was no longer that tomboyish rowdy girl that she knew, but a grown woman who still had those proud characteristics that she grew to love when they were younger. Carol felt like her fondness of Abby as a friend was blending with her longing for the love that Harge deprived her. And what else? She began to feel a powerful attraction because Abby was a woman.

There were sleepless nights where Carol would stay up until dawn, confused and thinking about how absurd the emotions she felt were. But she couldn’t deny it. She was in love with Abby.

Yet on those same nights, Rindy would be sleeping next to Carol and her occasional stirring would always remind her that it simply couldn’t be. So she tried her best to hide it. Until the time finally came when she lost to those feelings on a winter night in Abby’s room.

Carol was afraid, but the moment they consummated their mutual attraction with each other, she was overwhelmed. How long had her body yearned for intimacy and she trusted Abby more than anyone else. Abby never betrayed those feelings and eventually, Carol felt like she did ten years ago when she met Harge, ecstatic and ready to leave everything behind just to be with the one she loved.

“Oh Carol, you’re so wonderful…” Abby murmured in her ear and Carol felt her heart burst.

It was easy living again.

But unlike then, Carol was older, wiser. After the initial euphoria, she knew that they wouldn’t last. Carol had Rindy and Harge was still a part of her life at the time. It was a difficult decision and she felt torn, but she knew she and Abby had to stop

Tears dripped from Carol’s chin and splashed into the water in the tub. Her arms were softly gliding across her skin, as if she longed to be touched once more, to be intimate once more, to be loved once more.

After Carol dried herself, exhaustion finally caught up. As she lied down on her bed, a small sliver of moonlight streaked from her window and onto the dresser. Her eyes sleepily followed it and saw the blue and gold card standing upright. Images of Therese began flashing in her mind, the person she least expected to think about after such an emotionally taxing evening.

“I think you are magnificent…” Carol’s eyes widened suddenly as Therese’s words ran through her mind. _No… that’s impossible…_ A familiar feeling began resurfacing as she stared at the greeting card.

 _I just met her and she was only being a kind stranger…_ But Carol had invited her for lunch and invited her again to her house shortly after. _I just like her company… She’s a nice girl…_

Carol gulped as she turned away from the card. Lying on her stomach with one arm flung up, she closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep. But the emotions stirring in her were much too familiar to ignore and she knew very well where they were leading to.

Carol was afraid. _Therese Belivet…_


	6. Chapter 6

“Curse this damned traffic jam.” Carol hissed to herself while angrily gripping the steering wheel. She had overslept again that morning, then spent a great deal of time in bed thinking about her meeting Therese that day. An emotional hangover still clung onto her from the catharsis the previous night. She felt a mixture of excitement and apprehension with the latter having no good reason to be there. Maybe it was just the idea of making a new friend that rattled her, she thought. _Yes, and I invited her out today so I must make sure she has a good time._

The car behind her started honking their horn. The traffic light finally switched back to green.

Maybe it was the thought of finally escaping the loneliness, even if it was only for a day. Her eyes glanced over to the thermos rattling between the seats. She intended on offering coffee to Therese on their drive. Carol had brewed the coffee herself that morning, then poured a generous serving of cream into it because she thought Therese would like it that way, being younger and less likely to appreciate the bitter taste of black coffee.

Why she had gone through the lengths of it just to prepare some beverage for Therese? Carol didn’t know. But it felt natural to do so. Was it out of a blooming affection or simply a common courtesy as one would treat a guest?

Another red light.

She felt over prepared at first, telling Florence to go marketing despite her just doing so a few days ago just to vacate the house should they decide to spend their time there. Then she decided to try and make herself look as casual as possible but realized that pretending to look casual wasn’t very casual at all.

Turn right at the T-junction.

She was tired of thinking, tired of contemplating her emotions, her intentions. And finally decided then and there to stop caring about it altogether. She took out a cigarette and lit it. Does it matter anyways if Carol did make those preparations out of perhaps some small hint of affection? _No, it doesn’t._ She smiled as she slowed down towards the curve near Frankenberg’s where they had agreed to meet.

Therese was standing there, clutching her sleeves as she walked towards the carl. Carol’s smile grew even wider. “Hi!” Carol said as she leaned across her seat to open the door.

“Hello. I thought you weren’t coming.” Therese said.

“Awfully sorry I’m late.” Carol said in a light tone because her faint smile was still there.  “Are you freezing?”

“No.” she replied as she got in the car.

“Shall we go to the house? Where would you like to go?” Carol tried to say as casually as possible as if she hadn’t planned on taking her to the house from the start.

“It doesn’t matter.” Therese said as Carol proceeded to drive aimlessly. She felt Therese’s eyes on her the whole time and though it made her feel a little uncomfortable, it was worth the company.

“Let’s go out to the house. It’s pretty out there.” Carol said and glanced at Therese, whose eyes were still looking straight at Carol.

After a while, Carol didn’t seem to mind it. Therese’s eyes would wander from the road, to the items in the car, to Carol, then back to the road. Carol felt that Therese was bored so she just started some small talk again.

“Do you like driving?” She said without taking her eyes off the road as they entered the Lincoln Tunnel. Therese didn’t reply and Carol saw from the corner of her eye, Therese’s figure leaning towards the edge of the seat, as if she was some scared animal. “Why are you so quiet?” But Therese didn’t say anything again. Carol was starting to worry that Therese might suddenly just ask to be dropped at the side of the road and leave Carol all to her lonesome again. But all her concerns vanished when she saw the look in Therese’s eyes.

It’s not that Therese was being unsociable, scared or bored. It was simply because she didn’t need to talk about anything. She felt no need to fill the air with pointless talk like what most people would do and instead preferred to enjoy the companionable silence. Carol appreciated that. It was almost as if Therese was telling her “It’s alright, Carol. You don’t need to say anything to keep my attention. I’m not going anywhere.” Finally, they were out of the tunnel.

For several minutes, they drove without a word and Carol began feeling the tension leave her. _Yes, this is what I wanted._ The loneliness had fled covertly and Carol partly wished the road would just go on forever. A relaxed and subtle smile formed in her lips whenever she glanced at Therese, who was also subtly smiling herself as she looked down the road. Carol noticed that Therese was a little pale though and asked her if she has had any breakfast yet.

“Better have some coffee. It’s there in the thermos.” She said after Therese said she didn’t. They parked at the side of the road and Carol poured Therese a cup, a little nervous on whether she’ll like her little labor of love.

Therese accepted the cup. “Where’d it come from?”

An amused smile surfaced from Carol’s face. _Why from the depths of my heart of course._ She mused jokingly. “Do you always want to know where things come from?” Therese sipped at the cup while Carol watched her. She had shoulder length brown hair that was tucked into her scarf, probably feeling cold despite what she said earlier and Carol mentally patted herself on the back for thinking of making some hot coffee for her guest.

Afterwards, they started driving towards the house again. “Do you like the country?” Carol mumbled, but remembered that small talk was pointless so they drove on. They eventually arrived and Carol parked the car in the white garage before they entered the house through the main door.

The moment Carol walked in, the eerie silence began to haunt her again, as if it was no different from the many days where she would arrive home all alone with no one to greet her and say “Welcome home.”

But as the door closed from behind her, she remembered that she was not alone. Therese was there with her to make sure she wasn’t lonely for the day. Her mouth opened slightly as if still in astonishment that someone finally decided to keep her company in that big and lonely house.

She saw Therese looking at her as well and began to see some apprehension on whether or not she should enter further into the house like she felt like she didn’t belong there. “There’s no one here but the maid. And she’s far away.” Carol said, as if she was trying to tell her not to be shy in entering her home… her life…

“It’s a lovely house.” Therese finally said something as she walked further in.

 _No, it isn’t. This house was bought by Harge and me a long time ago and since then, it’s been nothing but the venue for all of our frustrations…_ Kicking back the vehement thoughts, she took off her scarf and brushed her hair on either sides. “Take off your coat.” She added, almost demanded, as if she was telling Therese to make herself at home in order to push away any lingering presence of Harge in the house.

“Let’s go upstairs. It’s more comfortable.”  She led Therese into her little haven across her room. She definitely did feel more comfortable there, much better than downstairs where she would often meet Harge at the end of the day. “My favorite room.” She said with a smile. “But that’s my room over there.” She gestured across and Therese peaked inside. She saw her eyes wander over to the dressing table where a picture of Abby, her former lover, sat.

Alarmed, Carol brisk walked towards the refrigerator hidden in a wall panel, to try and find something to offer Therese as a distraction. “You have a little girl, haven’t you?” Therese said instead and Carol remembered that she also had a picture of her and Rindy there.

“Yes.” _I thought you knew since I bought a doll for her the other day._ Then she glanced at the bottle of cola in her hand that she hurriedly grabbed earlier. “Would you like a coke?”

Therese took the bottle and Carol walked back down the stairs, mentally cursing herself for bringing Therese into her private quarters. _Maybe the garden would be better._

Carol paced around slowly in the garden. She had a creeping fear that she was being a terrible host and that Therese was simply being considerate enough not to voice her opinions. “What would you like to do? Take a walk? Play some records?” Carol asked, desperate for anything to keep her guest happy so she won’t leave her.

Therese then gave her a small smile and said softly “I’m very content.” Which stunned Carol again. _Are you really?_ She had half a mind not to believe her, thinking that Therese was simply trying to be a good guest and not being very demanding, but part of her was also very glad. Because every time she looked at Therese’s eyes, she saw a piercing honesty in them that Carol was starting to grow very fond of.

They walked back into the kitchen. “And how do you like your job?” Now she wanted to make some small talk, but not to fill in the silence. She wanted to learn more about this young woman that she was beginning to like a great deal. Not wanting to sound too interested, she added afterwards “I wouldn’t mind some lunch, would you?” and took out two dishes from the refrigerator

"I suppose it's educational. I learn how to be a thief, a liar, and a poet all at once." Carol’s eyebrows lifted at the unconventional answer and turned to look at her.

“How do you become a poet?” Carol asked. _I know you have to learn how to be a liar if you’re a salesgirl but what about the other two?_

"By feeling things… too much, I suppose." Therese replied.

 _Then I must be a poet as well…_ Carol thought as she opened one of the dishes. “And how do you become a thief?" A bit of pudding stuck to her finger and instinctively, Carol placed it closer to her mouth to lick it off, wanting to taste the sweetness of the dessert while her thoughts were beginning to drift dangerously into the inappropriate.

It tasted sour, and Carol grimaced, snapping out of the previous thoughts. "You don't want any caramel pudding, do you?"

"No, thank you. I haven't stolen yet, but I'm sure it's easy there. There are pocketbooks all around, and one just takes something. They steal the meat you buy for dinner." Therese laughed heartily.

 _Or the hearts of the people you wait on._ Carol mused as she brought out some chicken and greens for lunch.


	7. Chapter 7

A few men perhaps would turn to look back at the pretty and sensitive sales girl, maybe even a few women… such as Carol? _That’s ridiculous._ Carol stood up to get a glass of whiskey. But decided to dilute it with tap water because the alcohol might even encourage more ridiculous thoughts.

When she had returned, she froze in place at the doorframe and the two had locked eyes. Therese’s eyes had a certain inquisitiveness in them that Carol likened to an owl, minus the beady wideness. She couldn’t quite look away from them, as if she enjoyed being the focus of their attention, and only two others have looked at her the same way before. If only she could keep that admiring gaze to herself…

 “Do you meet a lot of people across the counter this way?” Carol finally broke the heavy silence, but suddenly realized the possessiveness in her tone. “Don’t you have to be careful whom you start to talking to?”

“Oh, yes.” Therese smiled and Carol felt a small spark between them.

“Or whom you go out to lunch with?” Carol added. Therese continued to smile as if the conversation was one of light banter. Carol followed suit. “You might run into a kidnapper.” But immediately regretted it after Therese let out a small laugh and continued to smile at Carol.

A small ember of impatience lit up in Carol’s chest. She hated feeling vulnerable that way. Was Therese mocking her because she perhaps knew that Carol was starting to have some sort of affection towards her? No, that’s impossible. Carol finished her whiskey.

“Well—do you meet many people this way?” Her voice sounded more impatient but she still managed to keep it barely noticeable.

“No.” Therese replied.

“Not many? Just three or four?” Carol’s gaze stared right into Therese’s eyes, as if she started to demand that they only look at her.

“Like you?” Therese quietly asked. _Yes, like me. Do you always look at people with those piercingly honest and admiring eyes the way you look at me?_

But Carol turned away, not wanting to give away anything else. She had lost herself in those absorbing thoughts again and this time, it even began to manifest itself outwards. She mentally cursed herself for drinking some alcohol which loosened her tongue, and placed the glass that contained the culprit on the stove top.

“Do you play the piano?” Carol said as she walked towards the large wooden piano in the living room, wanting to forget all about her vulnerability that she displayed earlier. Therese said she knew a little and Carol turned away. “Come and play something.”

“But I’m really not that good and—”

“Oh, I don’t care how you play. Just play something.” She demanded in a high voice. Therese was shocked at the sudden hostility and quickly sat at the piano. _This is your fault. How dare you waltz into my life when I am most vulnerable and set everything ablaze with that kind, adoring look in your eyes…?_

But Carol knew Therese had done nothing. She was the one who invited her out for lunch that day and asked her again to visit her house. Carol was tired. A small pang of guilt began to well inside her as she listened to Therese play the piano. She was playing Scarlatti’s Sonata in C Major, a quick tempo melody which gave the impression that Therese was playing so desperately hard to please her after that heated glare that Carol gave her when she demanded her to play.

Therese began to slow down and the melody started to break until she eventually stopped with a tired gasp. _I’m sorry…_ Carol stood up and slowly walked towards her. “Are you tired?” She said apologetically, with her eyes half closed, as if that question was also meant for herself.

“Yes.” Therese said softly, eyes not turning away from the ivory keys. Carefully, Carol placed her hands on Therese’s weary shoulders. Then slowly inched towards her chin and bent over to kiss Therese at her hairline. _I’m sorry, darling… You must be very tired as well…_

“Come with me.” Carol softly said and lead Therese up to her room. “I think a nap wouldn’t hurt you.” She said as she fixed the bed.

“Thanks, I’m not really—”

“Slip your shoes off…” Carol said softly. _Take a nap… That way, I’ll be free from your admiring gaze…_

“I don’t think I shall sleep, but if I do—”

“I’ll wake you in half an hour.” She gently said as she pulled the blanket over Therese and sat down at the edge of the bed. She felt like she was putting Rindy to sleep, her little baby. But unlike Rindy, Carol regarded Therese much differently. A completely stranger that she both willingly and unwillingly let inside her life that began to throw everything into discord. “How old are you, Therese?” she found herself asking.

“Nineteen.” Therese replied and Carol’s face contorted into an apologetic smile.

“You’re a child…” _Of course… Of course she’s still young._ Who else would be able to gaze upon the world so innocently without the cynicism of an adult? But that didn’t mean Therese was immature. She was at that stage where she was still young and perky without the hardened façade that one develops from being out in the open world for many years, yet mature enough to make one’s own decisions about the important things in life even if they may come to regret it later on, a stage Carol had gone through herself which changed her life to the way it is now.

Carol slowly held Therese’s shoulders and carefully placed her face closer to Therese’s neck, as if she was in a trance held by this young woman. She knew very well the wild and burning emotions that a juvenile heart harbors. And Carol wanted it for herself. _Have you ever been in love, Therese? Do those feelings drive you mad that your whole body burns in passion? Are you in love with me?_ But not a word escaped from her mouth as she stared into Therese’s hazel brown eyes. She saw her own reflection in the intense gaze with a fervent desire blazing behind it. And what else? An illusion of contentment, as if Therese was staring into pure bliss that she didn’t seem to have a care in the world at that time. _Yes… you are in love with me…_

Carol let go and lifted her head. “What would you like?” But Therese didn’t answer, like she was caught in the shame of being found out by Carol for harboring all those feelings. “What would you like?” Carol repeated herself.

“Nothing, thanks.” Therese replied in a small voice. _Are you shy? Don’t be… Tell me… Tell me what you really want… and I could give it to you…_ Carol’s eyes carefully wandered around the room. No one was there. No one would catch them should they try to learn a little more about each other. No one except…

 _Mother! Can I go on a trip with Robin’s family?_ Rindy’s voice sounded across her head, like a thunderous crash across her mind, putting all previous thoughts into a screeching halt as she saw a picture of her daughter hanging on a frame across the room.

 _What am I doing?!_   Carol’s body suddenly felt cold, as one would get when caught red-handed. She stood up and immediately went to light a cigarette. After drowning her restlessness in the white cloud of smoke escaping her mouth, she looked back at Therese again, lying down on her bed, watching her, left hanging after Carol’s sudden departure from her side. Carol’s eyes softened. “What would you like, a drink?” She said tenderly.

“I’d like some hot milk.” Therese said almost inaudibly.

“Some hot milk.”  Carol’s lips smiled in mockery, partially to Therese for really sounding like a child in bed, and partially to herself for thinking such ridiculous thoughts half a minute ago. She turned around, walked out of the room, and closed the door.


	8. Chapter 8

“Some hot milk…” Carol murmured as she opened the refrigerator in the kitchen. Probably the most absurd request she has ever had to take from a stranger. Yet she took out the milk bottle and poured it into a saucepan over the stove. She wasn’t a stranger to this menial task. When Rindy was a baby, Carol had to warm up some milk whenever Florence was out. But the recipient of this little act of kindness wasn’t a little girl, but a young woman lying in her bed upstairs. Carol felt ridiculous as she switched on the stove and watched the little flames begin to lick the bottom of the pan.

But what else was new? The fact that Carol had let Therese Belivet, someone she had met only a few days ago, walk into her life and reawaken those dormant emotions she cast aside before?  The fact that Carol could tell Therese was in love with her? The fact that Carol was also beginning to share the same feelings towards Therese? At this point, nothing should be able to surprise her.

Except Therese was only nineteen, sounded like a child, and was a girl. She remembered the snarky comments her in-laws had made about her when Harge suspected her relationship with Abby. _“Oh my God! That’s the lowest form of perversion a woman could ever stoop to! It’s heresy! How could she even do that?! We should report her to the police!”_ An apologetic smile formed on Carol’s face. Now they would probably even call her an ephebophile while they’re at it.

What would Abby think? They both agreed that calling off their relationship several months ago was the best thing to do. But she felt like she would be betraying Abby with these new feelings she had for Therese. Would she be able to understand? Carol had trusted Abby all her life and never once did she hurt Carol’s feelings. Maybe she would even know how to help Carol in these dark days.

What would Rindy think? Carol’s lips quickly wrinkled into a frown. How would she react if she knew her mother was slowly treading down the path of immorality? When she and Abby were together, Rindy knew they always spent so much time with each other and even began to view Abby as sort of an aunt figure. But that was just because she’s still a child, a clean slate free from any judgments or preconceptions about how the world should work, aspects that one gains as they grow older. _Does Therese also think that way? Still innocent and clueless as a child? Doesn’t she have any idea that—_

Milk bubbles splattered at the fire and Carol’s hand quickly bolted to shut the stove off. A long sigh escaped from her lips as she stared at the milk dripping from the edge of the saucepan. A white film of milk fat formed on the surface of the liquid. She quickly wiped the stove with a rag and poured the milk in a white cup on top of a saucer. Cursing herself for being absentminded again on such a trivial task like warming up milk, she marched back up to the room where Therese was lying, as if she was turning her back on those unhappy thoughts that once again managed to steal Carol’s attention away.

“I let it boil and it’s got a scum on it.” She said as she mentally cursed herself again. “I’m sorry.” But Therese smiled as if she was amused, which did nothing to relive Carol of her annoyance. “Is that the way you like it? Plain like that?” Therese just nodded and gratefully accepted the hot drink.

“Ugh.” Carol sighed as she sat on the arm of a chair. _This is all your fault you little child._ She watched Therese drink the milk happily, like she really was just a child, given hot milk by her mother. She suddenly found herself curious about Therese’s background, why this young woman seemed to act like a love-struck puppy one moment, and little child the next. But then she remembered Therese saying she was an orphan. _The poor thing, she probably never felt the love of a mother who would warm up some hot milk for her child._ “Therese, tell me, are you happy?” Carol said as she took the empty cup away.

“I… I don’t know…” She hesitantly replied as she slowly sat up.

“I mean, with the way your life is going right now. How are things in Frankenberg’s? Are you content with working there?”

“No… But it’s only a temporary job. I’ll probably have another job after this.”

“What kind of job? How do you imagine your life a year from now? Five or even ten years from now?” _Would I be in it? I wonder._ Carol asked the last question as if she was also asking herself.

“I don’t know… I just…” Therese’s voice was soft, almost inaudible. Carol’s words seem to have struck a chord in Therese’s heart because to Carol’s surprise, she saw tears beginning to form in her eyes. “I never imagined my life to be anything to be honest. All this time, I’ve just been trying to get by, to make a decent living, to live a normal life the way you were told to when you were growing up.” And Carol’s face softened. Those tears were no longer that of a child’s, but that of a young woman struggling to find her place in the world, a young woman like Carol over ten years ago. “But living in this world isn’t easy. You lose friends, you gain enemies, and your whole life gets thrown into a mess in the split of a second…” Therese’s eyes were red with tears and that didn’t bother look up into Carol’s concerned eyes. “You’re expected to behave a certain way and if you aren’t like that, you’ll never be able to thrive in this world…”

Carol didn’t dare speak a word, because as tears began streaming down Therese’s cheeks, Carol remembered the times when she cried alone in her room, agonizing about how her own life was falling apart and not going the way she had intended it to. What a callous question she had asked Therese.

“Being told that your work is worthless… Being fired because you have ‘too much personal life’… Not being able to run away to anybody because all they’re concerned about are themselves.” _She had no one to hold her during her most desperate times_. Carol’s heart began to ache and wanted so much to wrap her arms around her. But Therese continued. “Not even Richard can help me because he doesn’t even know anything about me, the real me.”

“Who’s Richard?” Carol caught herself asking.

“My boyfriend.” Therese mechanically answered and Carol’s eyebrows rose. “But all he wants is for me to be the girlfriend he’s been dreaming about. I’m not like that at all.” Carol was speechless, not knowing if it was because Therese had a boyfriend or because she sounded exactly like Carol. “I mean… I don’t hate him, he’s always been good to me but…” Carol listened and listened to Therese’s woes and sorrows, her heart cracking at every tear she saw roll down her cheek. Therese had her head turned down the whole time, pouring out her fears and disappointments, not paying attention to the unspoken words of comfort Carol’s face was betraying.

“My mother isn’t really dead. But she is to me.” Therese’s voice quickly turned to anger. “She abandoned me… In a school in Montclair when I was only eight and never bothered visiting me often afterwards. I didn’t want to see her anymore either. She left me for her own selfish needs. I found out later she remarried a man named Nick and had her own family. She still tried to act like my mother, sending me hypocritical gifts every now and then, but I wanted nothing to do with her…”

Carol’s heart dropped. _Her mother left her when she was eight… had a lover of her own… and now Therese resents her so much for it…_ She swallowed and her shaken thoughts threatened to lead her away again. _Would Rindy ever…?_

She quickly shooed those thoughts away. _As if I’ll ever be such a rotten mother like that…_ “I loved my father much more. He had his shortcomings, but he was much more of a parent than my mother ever was.” Now Carol only began to pay half attention to Therese, convinced that the latter was starting to overreact after her emotional outpour. “He died of pneumonia, but to me, my mother had killed him…” Carol propped her chin on her hand and just smiled at Therese, regarding her once more as a child who still lacked the resilience and staunchness of an adult.

“Then the school asked my mother for two hundred dollars during graduation. I didn’t want any help from her but I had no choice but to take the money from her.” Therese’s hands were balled up from frustration. “I’m sorry I took it. I never told anyone but you. Someday I want to give it back.”

“Nonsense.” Carol said, looking at Therese tenderly once more, like smiling at a child that just finished her tantrum. “You were still a child. When you forget about paying her back, then you'll be an adult. Don’t you think you’ll ever want to see her again? Maybe in a few years from now?”

Therese just shook her head, albeit calmer now and with a smile. “I don’t want to talk any more about it. I’ll never cry again.”

“Yes, you will.” Carol said and rolled her eyes before lighting a cigarette. _Because you still haven’t grown up yet, still have yet to face the trials that come with adulthood._ Then she took a long, proud breath of smoke as if trying to widen the gap between them. “Who else is in your life besides Richard?”

Therese began talking again, but without the angst and woes this time. She had what barely passed as friends, but to Carol, they were enough. _See? Your life isn’t as bad as you think it is._ “When I was fired from that job last month… I was ashamed and moved—…”

“Moved where?”

“I didn't tell anyone where, except Richard. I just disappeared. I suppose it was my idea of starting a new life, but mostly I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know where I was.”

“Disappeared!” Carol said and smiled. “I like that. And how lucky you are to be able to do it.” Gone are the thoughts of Carol seeing herself in Therese. Like a passing train of thought that is best forgotten. “You’re free. Do you realize that?” _Unlike me who is tied to a husband and child._ When Therese didn’t say anything Carol smiled even more. “No.” _You don’t…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the last part, I purposely tried to depict Carol as a flawed character. These alternating feelings she has with Therese will show themselves quite often over the story as “reprimands alternating with indulgences”. I thought I should just point it out because, as I’ve noted before, this fic is based off the book, and Carol from the book is very different from Carol in the movie.
> 
> Anyway, more to come soon~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter's here~
> 
> Unfortunately, my work keeps me from writing as often as I like so updates are a bit slow. I'll probably only have a lot of free time come October. Though I have to admit, I sometimes spend my free time drawing some fan art (of Carol) as well so my time gets divided. If you're curious about it, you can actually check them out on deviantArt as I've only started recently uploading them. http://ceciliacrescent.deviantart.com/gallery/
> 
> The last one took about 36 hours cumulative so I haven't been able to write much until I finished it.
> 
> Anyway, enough of that. Enjoy the next chapter~

The telephone screeched across the house, shattering the silence around them and startling them both. It wasn't terribly loud but the eerie stillness of the house gave way to it all and reached the room. Carol composed herself, then stood up. She knew exactly who it was and her mood quickly darkened. Her hand instinctively grabbed the nearest solid object, a wooden shoehorn and clutched it in her grasp. Florence was out so there was nobody else to take the call. Her eyes began to burn with a sudden anger as the telephone shrieked again. She couldn't continue her conversation with Therese like that so she put down the shoehorn and went to take the intruding call.

"Harge." She said the moment she picked up the phone. Who else would it be? He had mentioned before about stopping by the house to get a few of Rindy's things while she was away on her trip with one of her classmate's family.

"Carol." He said in turn on the other end of the line. "I'll be there in a few minutes." The exchange would be short and curt, as it always have been the past couple of years.

"I have a guest." She calmly said. She couldn't let Therese meet Harge. "Now isn't a good time. If you like, I could even let Florence bring you the things later when she comes back."

"I already made plans to go over there." He said in the same blunt manner and Carol immediately regretted mentioning that Florence was out.

"I said I have a guest." She repeated herself. "Just tell me the things that Rindy needs and I'll send them over to you. Or why don't you just drop by tomorrow?"

"And I said I'll be there in a few minutes." Carol could feel the anger boiling her blood but always opted for the passive aggressive behavior when around him.

"Harge, I have a guest." Carol repeated evenly for the third time even though her nails were already scraping the wooden finish on the table where the phone rested.

"That's no reason to bar me entry from my own house." Harge's voice was growing impatient as well but Carol felt no fear from the man that called himself her husband.

"I think it's an excellent reason. What better?" What should she tell him? That she has a young woman keeping her company at the moment? That Carol has never felt the loneliness inside of her diminish until now? That she didn't want to be disturbed at all while she basked in the admiration that Therese showered over her? "What's the matter with tomorrow? If you—"

Harge hung up.

Carol took a minute to recompose herself before reluctantly walking back up the stairs to see Therese. "Shouldn't I leave?" The young woman said the moment Carol entered the room.

 _She overheard it…_ Carol stood motionless again as she looked at Therese and only then did the words that escaped her mouth earlier register in her mind. "Not unless you want to." _Don't leave me, even if it means going somewhere else. Just stay with me…_ "No. We'll take a drive later if you want to."

"Who is it that's coming?" Therese asked as they exited the room.

 _Nobody important. Nobody you should have to worry about as long as you're with me._ "My husband, Hargess." Carol led her into her little sanctuary, hoping to steal a few more moments with her until the inevitable came. But as she sat down on the sofa and was going to light a cigarette, the doorbell chimes downstairs, breaking all the walls Carol had erected around herself, and the door latch opened. "No end prompt today." Carol murmured as she turned to face the man downstairs. "Come down, Therese." _I'm sure you must be so excited to meet the man who has ruined my life for the past couple of years._

They met at the stairs with Harge wasting no time waiting for hospitality in his own house. The moment Carol caught a glance of him, all thoughts before had vanished and was replaced with narrow-minded vehemence. "Harge, this is Miss Belivet." Meaningless customs, Carol didn't take the slightest delight. "Mr. Aird." Carol said while turning to Therese.

"How do you do?" They exchanged greetings. Carol could see her husband's nervous eyes scrutinizing every inch of Therese, and for a while, Carol felt a small glint of pride. _Yes, Harge, this is my guest. I'm allowed to have guests other than the people you introduce me to, aren't I?_

"I'm sorry to disturb you. I only wanted to get one or two things." He said as he entered his room. _What's the point in being polite now, Harge? Trying to cover up the monster in you?_ _You can't fool anybody…_

Carol walked down to the living room and sat on the sofa, trying to prevent the displeasure from showing on her face. Her eyes turned over to see Therese just standing there, nervous about the whole situation. "Play some more, if you like." Carol said, gesturing towards the piano. _Show Harge what a pleasant time the two of us are having._

But Therese shook her head instead. "Play some." Carol demanded, a sudden anger rising from her stern tone.

"I can't." She said, like a frightened bird caught in the palm of Carol's hand, protesting. Then Carol's face softened. _You really are like me. Unyielding when told to behave like a good girl._

"I can't find that watercolor set. I thought it was in my room." Harge said as he walked down the stairs.

"I know where it is." Carol sighed as she got up. _Anything just to get you out of my sight._

"I suppose you want me to take her something for Christmas." He added. Carol felt like Harge was trying to distance her from Rindy, to wash away the heartfelt exchange and doting that Carol would lavish onto her daughter with a simple "Here's the present from your mother." Carol felt disgusted.

"Thanks, I'll give the things to her." _How dare you even suggest such a horrid thing?_ Either way, the doll hasn't even arrived yet.

Carol walked back into the green room where she often stayed. She remembered once bringing Rindy there and just watched her as the child dipped a cheap little brush into the palette for her school art assignment. "I'm trying to color the sun, but it keeps mixing with the sky and now it's green."

"Then color it green, sweetheart." Carol smiled. Rindy gave her a funny look. "Tell your teacher the sun is sick and that's why it's raining. Art is all about creativity anyway."

"But it's not supposed to be raining." Rindy's brow furrowed as she look at the picture. The brush strokes of the blue sky were all vertical and uneven. Rindy colored the sun green.

The memory brought a full smile to Carol's face as she picked up the watercolor set. That was the last night Rindy had spent in that house before Harge took her to live with her grandparents for a few weeks. She had fallen asleep on her lap that night.

But in the next instant, that smile vanished. Handing over the little art supply would be like giving away the memory to Harge. Then she suddenly remembered that she left Therese all by herself downstairs to fend off any of Harge's probing questions, and with a reluctant sigh, hurried back down the stairs.

Carol saw Therese suddenly relax as she approached them. _What have you been saying to my guest?_ Her thoughts began to veer into displeasure again as she handed the thing to Harge. "Thanks." _Another empty remark._ "Goodbye." He said to Therese and Carol's eyes narrowed.

"Friend of Abby's?" he murmured as she walked past Carol.

"A friend of mine." She was insulted. How dare he imply that she couldn't even make friends on her own? The sooner he got out of her sight, the better.

"Are you going to take the presents to Rindy? When?"

"What if I gave her nothing, Harge?" Her hatred towards him quickly overruled any maternal feelings she had at the time.

"Carol." He said with a stern voice and glared at her in the eyes. Carol was not afraid. "Rindy's been asking me over and over what you'll be giving her for Christmas. If you don't even care about our daughter enough to give her a present for Christmas, you can be sure that things will be a lot more unpleasant from now on." He murmured with a voice edging off his anger.

_Was that a threat, Harge? Look at the monster you've become and then come talk to me about caring for our daughter._

"I'm going to see Cynthia now. Can I stop by on the way back? It'll be before eight." His tone changed, likely aware that Therese could still hear them.

"Harge, what's the purpose?" Carol said with a tired sigh. "Especially when you're so disagreeable."

"Because it concerns Rindy." His voice hinting his disdain once more. The two were already outside the house, away from Therese's prying ears. "She called to say that she's still staying at her friend's house tonight and they'll drop her off to school tomorrow. That should give us plenty of time to _talk_." He said with a stress on the last word.

"What would be there to talk about?" Carol said blankly. "You know as well as I do that nothing good will come of this."

"And you're here just talking so calmly while our daughter's about to witness her family be torn apart. Maybe that's the reason why she asked to stay another day at her friend's home. Because things aren't as unpleasant there as it is here."

Carol didn't say anything, but the white anger in her eyes told everything as she glared back at him.

"I'll be back before eight." He said with the final word and started the car. Carol walked back into the house and shut the door, leaning back towards it with her arms behind her.

"I'll go." Therese said. Carol had a feeling Therese would say that. She couldn't have borne making Therese stay longer out of her own selfishness to witness more of Harge's rude behavior. "I'd better go, hadn't I?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." Carol reluctantly said. "I'm sorry about Harge. He's not always so rude. It was a mistake to say I had any guest here at all."

"It doesn't matter." Therese said, polite as always, and Carol frowned, not wanting to say goodbye to her new friend, a friend that she had made on her own, not through Abby or Harge.

But Carol was tired and she knew that whatever was going on inside of Therese's mind, it wasn't very receptive to any more pleasantries for the day. "Do you mind if I put you on the train tonight, instead of driving you home?"

"No, I can't bear the thought of you driving me all the way to New York and driving back alone tonight in the darkness."

"You're too kind." Carol said with a tired smile as they both got in the car. _Much too kind… like an angel…_

“There’s a train in about four minutes.” Carol said as Therese walked out the car, turning her back at her. _Goodbye, Therese…_ Carol thought, feeling rejected as she started to roll up the window, preparing to face the upcoming trials alone.

But as if feeling the same reluctance to part, Therese suddenly blurted “Will I see you again?” as she turned back to Carol.

And Carol smiled. _So you do want to see me again._ She continued to roll up the transparent window between them, like a temporary barrier that couldn’t prevent them from seeing each other. _Of course, of course you would see me again, you silly girl._ “Au revoir.”

Carol was not looking forward to her talk with Harge.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Went back and edited a few things in the previous chapters, specifically about the kind of doll Carol bought for Rindy because I overlooked some of the details that were in the book. It’s not anything major.

“Sorry, Carol, she said she had a party at New Rochelle tonight.” Mrs. Gerhard said on the other end of the phone. “I can take a message if you like.”

“Thanks.” Carol said, antsy over what had just happened the past few days. “Can you tell her the dog got out again?”

“Again? That’s the third time this month.” Mrs. Gerhard said, completely clueless to what Carol meant. “You really ought to keep it on a shorter leash. I’ll tell Abby when she gets back so she can help you catch it for the third time.”

“Thank you.” Carol said and ended the call. To Abby, “the dog got out” meant “come see me as soon as possible” whenever she left a message to her family. Since Carol was always the more delicate one among the two when they were younger, her family never suspected anything when Abby just says she goes over and helps Carol catch the dog that lives near her garage.

Carol let out a deep sigh as she exited the phone booth. She knew that Abby’s party wouldn’t be over until past midnight, knowing the type of people she usually meets with. Her eyes glanced over to her wristwatch that read three thirty in the afternoon. She found herself walking aimlessly along the busy streets of New York as the events unfolded in her mind like a series of moving pictures.

After Therese left, Harge had told Carol his lawyer wanted to see them both on Tuesday, Christmas Eve. After a series of cold exchanges about Rindy’s custody, he left, leaving Carol all alone in the house again until Florence arrived. The next day, Rindy arrived at the house as she promised and told Carol all about her trip with Robin’s family, how they slept at their ancestral home in another state and roasted marshmallows near the fireplace.

“Can I have my present now, mother?” Rindy excitedly said as they took a stroll in the garden later that day.

“Don’t you want to open it on Christmas morning? It’s not going anywhere. I haven’t even giftwrapped it yet.” The doll and the valise just arrived earlier that morning by the mail, but Carol was more interested in seeing her precious daughter that day so she spent the morning preparing a few snacks with Florence.

“Okay.” Rindy said disappointedly. “Can you at least tell me what it is?”

“It’s something you said you wanted some time ago.” Carol teased. “I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

But later that day, Harge had come back to pick up Rindy. “You must be tired, sweetie, travelling from Robin’s to back home to here.” He said and eyed Carol. “I’m sure you want a good rest back with grandma and grandpa after being tossed around back and forth.”

“I thought she was staying over here after her trip with Robin.” Carol said irately.

“Well her things are back there, still packed up in her luggage from the trip.” He replied and then looked at Rindy. “Aren’t they, sweetie? Let’s unpack them when we get back.” Rindy nodded and let out a big yawn which made Harge smirk.

Carol fell silent. But as her husband turned to leave, Rindy ran back up to Carol and gave her a short hug before running back to her father’s side. “I’ll see you tomorrow, mother. Don’t forget my present!” and Carol only waved, reminding herself that after the divorce, Rindy wouldn’t have to be tossed back and forth as often.

“Hey, lady! Watch where you’re going!” An angry man inside a car yelled from behind. Carol turned to see a red sedan just miss her by a few feet and she walked onwards.

Her car was parked in an underground garage a few blocks away. She would get in the car and drive all the way to New Jersey alone, spend the next fifteen or so hours by herself because she let Florence have a holiday off, and listen to Christmas songs on the radio until Abby would sympathetically come knocking on her door the next day, apologizing for not responding to the message sooner because of the party. Carol dreaded the thought.

She didn’t expect to be by herself for the holidays. Her plans made a quick one-eighty no less than a few hours ago and she was at a complete loss of what to do or even feel. Then just a few meters away from the parking garage, her eyes caught sight of the post office and remembered the Christmas card she received a few days ago. _Therese…_

After a few moments of mentally debating whether she should risk sounding desperate to her new friend and spending one of the grandest holidays of the year alone, she marched up to the post office and asked to send a telegram addressed to a certain Employee 645-A.

 

Carol paced restlessly back and forth in the foyer of Frankenberg’s, the large hoard of people making last minute purchases on Christmas Eve did nothing to distract her from her looming depression. And the sight of several mothers bringing their children along did no help whatsoever. She impatiently glanced at her watch again that showed a quarter to five. What was she thinking, asking Therese to meet here on Christmas Eve all of a sudden? She probably had plans with Richard to spend the evening at his house or attend a Christmas party of a mutual friend. But Carol had nothing better to do so she just waited. She told herself that she’d leave at ten minutes after five because she could no longer bear the indignation of looking like an idiot just standing alone there in the foyer.

But there she was, a few minutes earlier than they had arranged. “Hello!” Therese beamed up. “I’m through.”

“Through what?” Carol half-mindedly asked, starting to feel really guilty for asking Therese to meet her on such an important day.

“Through with working. Here.” _And I’m sure you must have a celebration ready for you after this. What a horrible person I am…_ “I was awfully happy to get the telegram.” Therese smiled anyway in spite of Carol’s mood.

“I didn’t know if you’d be free.” Carol said and hesitated. “Are you free tonight?”

“Of course.” Therese said, almost giddily but Carol averted her eyes, remembering how Therese must have feelings for her and how easily Carol had taken advantage of that, albeit unintentionally.

The pair walked out into the New York streets. It was impossible for Therese not to have any plans that night, she was sure of it, and she must have just quickly cancelled them in order to accompany Carol. _If only there wasn’t that damned party…_ “We might have seen Abby tonight, but she's busy." Carol said absentmindedly to Therese. “Anyway, we can take a drive, if you'd like.” And suddenly realizing how obviously she implied that she was just settling for Therese instead of Abby, she added “It's good to see you. You're an angel to be free tonight. Do you know that?” Trying to sound as sincere as possible. But was she really sincere? Carol didn’t know. The disappointment of what happened earlier that day still clouded her feelings.

“No.” Therese said, as happy and content as when she entered the house the other day. Carol felt worse.

They went to get a cup of coffee and Carol settled for the nearest bar because walking silently in the streets did nothing to ease her mood. “Did something happen?” Therese abruptly asked. _So it’s that obvious…_

“Something too long to explain.” Carol tried to reassure her with a smile but felt that Therese had easily seen through her. And Carol felt guiltier by the minute. How selfish she must have been, demanding Therese’s attention and dragging her along for several blocks only to escape her own loneliness. “I'm not keeping you from doing anything now?”

“I'm supposed to pick up a package on Madison Avenue. It's not far. I can do it now, if you'll wait for me.” _There it was._ Carol thought. _You’re really just doing this for me, aren’t you? Trying to be the kind and considerate stranger you were before…_

“Alright.” Carol said, trying not to let any stray emotion tinge the tone of her voice.

“I can do it in three minutes with a taxi. But I don't think you will wait for me, will you?” Therese said hesitantly.

Then Carol smiled before reaching for her hand and squeezing it. Therese did it again. She took the lurking emotions that Carol was trying to hide away and expressed it herself. “Yes, I’ll wait.” Carol said, in the way that she wanted someone else to tell her the same thing; that they’ll be there for her no matter what happens.

Then Therese left and Carol was alone again.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincerest apologies to those I have kept waiting. There was a rather large project at work earlier this month and so I haven't been able to write a single word the weeks before. Luckily, with that out of the way, it means I have a little more free time to write this little project of mine. Please enjoy the next chapter~

“At grandma and grandpa’s of course. I’ve got lots of ideas from the Christmas tree at Robin’s house in Mary’s Land.” Rindy said excitedly when asked where she wanted to stay for Christmas.

“It’s Maryland, sweetie.” Harge smiled at his daughter. “And I’m sure our tree will look great this year with our master decorator in charge.”

“Can we go to the craft store to buy some more colored paper on the way home, daddy?” Rindy excitedly said. “I don’t think the ones at grandma and grandpa’s will be enough.”

“Of course, sweetie. Let’s even get some different colored glitters while we’re at it.” He said as he nodded towards his lawyer before leading his daughter out of the law office.

Carol stared blankly into the window, not even offering a single glance at the sight of his husband taking their daughter away for Christmas. Her eyes began to glisten with the tears that were threatening to spill out but she knew better than to surrender to them in the presence of Harge and his lawyer.

In the next second, blonde hair filled her arms as Rindy ran up to give her mother a warm hug. “This tree will be even better than last year, mother. Just wait and see!” Carol’s lips parted slightly as she stared at her daughter incredulously for a moment and nodded. Rindy ran back to Harge’s side and waved eagerly at her mother. Carol only raised her hand, her fair freckled skin like a white flag of defeat, and forced a smile. _I’m sorry, Rindy… I won’t be there to see your tree…_

“I don’t want my coffee.” Therese said as she hurriedly walked towards Carol at the bar.

Carol blinked and glanced at her half-finished cup of coffee while Therese’s was left untouched. Still sore from the events earlier that day, she just got up and walked with Therese towards the door. “My car’s downtown. Let’s get a taxi down.”

Silence filled the air between them from the streets to the taxi until they both got into Carol’s car. She imagined Rindy running around the tree in the lawn at her grandparents’ house, with colorful streams of paper in hand along with Harge and his parents watching her. She thought of Abby downing her third Martini at the party in New Rochelle, laughing along with her other friends that Carol never knew. And finally, she glanced at the young woman sitting in the passenger seat beside her and felt a bit of pride swell in her. If Harge and Abby thought that Carol was going to be all alone this Christmas then they were sadly mistaken. Carol had her own trophy to flaunt that evening, even if it was only just a consolation prize. _But then Harge would probably think that I’d be with Abby this evening… and Abby still thinks I’m with Rindy if she didn’t get my message… And Therese is not a trophy!_

She shook her head as she shed her coat. “This is better.” She said and handed it to Therese. “Throw it in the back, will you?”

Therese obliged without a word and the silence filled the air again. Carol rolled down the window just to let the sounds of the evening fill the space between them. She didn’t mind the cold wind, even appreciated it a little because it would numb her body a bit, and she had hoped, her thoughts.

They crossed by a familiar neighborhood and Carol fought back the bitter thoughts that began to resurface. Instead she just absentmindedly nodded towards the river and told Therese “That’s where Abby lives.”

“Who’s Abby?” Therese asked and it hit Carol like the freezing gust of wind that slapped her in the face as they sped across. If Carol’s attitude that evening didn’t make it as clear as day to Therese that she was really just settling for her, then that would’ve definitely gotten the message across.

“Abby? My best friend.” Carol answered and felt little beads of cold sweat form on her forehead despite the low temperatures. _I’m such a horrible person…_

“Aren’t you cold with that window open?” She quickly said, desperate to undo any damage despite the futility of it. And when Therese said no, she added “You must be.” Trying to sound as genuinely concerned as possible before realizing that she sounded more assertive than caring. She rolled the window back up when they stopped for a red light. Then she looked at Therese, forcing herself with all her inner might to concentrate on the poor young woman she had just abducted on Christmas Eve from the impulse of her selfish desires to escape her loneliness.

“What happened, Carol? Are you getting a divorce now?” Therese said so suddenly that it toppled down all the self-control that Carol had mustered the past few moments.

 _Is it that obvious, Therese…?_ Carol sighed. “Yes, a divorce…” Carol replied as stoically as she could. What stung her more wasn’t the actual words that Therese said, but the way she said it. Always the kind and considerate stranger, with genuine concern in her voice along with a hint of meekness from not wanting to overstep any boundaries. An example Carol ought to follow if not for her pride.

“And he has the child…?” Suddenly it felt just like the day they had their first lunch together when she felt like Therese could read her every thought. Carol didn’t like it at all.

“Just tonight.” She said flatly. She knew Therese was on the verge of another question because the latter was just genuinely concerned but Carol quickly cut her off. “Let’s talk about something else.”

Carol didn’t want to be washed away by her bitter thoughts anymore. She would feel even more horrible in front of Therese if that happened. The car that passed by with a family happily singing Christmas carols to the radio did no help whatsoever.

They went to a little restaurant and ordered sandwiches for dinner, though thoughts of Rindy still weighed heavily on Carol’s mind. Was it right for her to feel like wanting to trade away her current companion for the chance of spending the night with her daughter? She had nothing against Therese, was even grateful she agreed to keep Carol company for the evening, but Christmas was about spending it with your loved ones, and Carol could hardly say she loved Therese… could she…?

“Carol.” Therese said, probably noticing that she was spacing out again instead of eating dinner.

She was about to open her mouth to say something else when Carol asked abruptly “How’s Richard?” as if she cared at all about the man Therese went out with.

“Ah… Well, he’s fine. He said he wanted to finish something tonight so we didn’t make any plans for Christmas Eve.”

“I see…” Carol said with a bored tone, her mind half wandering elsewhere. She thought about all the previous Christmases she’s had. Too many to remember them all one by one but surely they were more pleasant than what she was about to experience this year.

“What’s his height?” Carol asked which caught Therese by surprise.

“Pardon?”

“How tall is he? Taller than you or shorter?” Last year, Carol had spent Christmas Eve at Harge’s parents’ house. She never liked it, but Harge insisted that she spend time with them for the holidays. That was the time Carol was spending more and more time with Abby though the incident in Abby’s room hasn’t occurred yet. Harge must have been a little jealous in spite of himself.

“I… forgot his exact height… He’s taller than me definitely.” Therese fumbled for the right words while Carol just looked at her indifferently.

“What about his hair? What color is it? And his eyes?” The previous Christmases weren’t exactly burned into her memory as the happiest times of her life either, but at least they were pleasant, somewhat. Though the more Carol thought about it, the more she was convinced that their marriage mostly fell apart during its early stages when they were just newly married.

“Brown—Black… No, dark brown…”

“Which one is it?” She would never forget the first few years with Harge though. Back then, when he told her he would make her the happiest woman in the world, she believed him and she really did feel that way for a few months.

“His hair… and his eyes, definitely dark brown.”

The way he worshiped her body made every inch of her quiver with delight. He made her believe she was the most beautiful woman in the world. And though the years that came after that were terrible, in retrospect, she was quite happy then. “Do you sleep with him?”

“I did. Two or three times. It was… painful… Not at all how I imagined it would be.” And Therese proceeded to talk about those nights with Richard while Carol only paid half attention, remembering her own young adventures with Harge before they married.

“Sometimes it takes time.” Carol said. “Don’t you believe in giving people another chance?” She knew her first moments in bed with Harge had been quite awkward, but after a while, he finally convinced her to enjoy the carnal pleasures together, and Carol was over the moon.

“But why? It isn't pleasant. And I'm not in love with him.”

“Don't you think you might be, if you got this worked out?” She remembered that time with Abby too, and that wasn’t too long ago. After the voices screaming inside Carol’s head were silenced with Abby’s lips, Carol felt her heart burst with all the emotions she fought back for so long, another memorable night that made Carol’s skin tingle whenever she reminisced.

“Is that the way people fall in love?” Therese said with a serious expression.

And Carol looked at her in the eye, seeing the same admiring eyes that hinted the young woman’s affection towards her. Carol knew the emotions behind those eyes well. She had looked at two others the same way before. Therese wasn’t in love with Richard. She was in love with Carol, she was sure of it. “No.” Carol smiled and turned away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not dead yet~ Just been a little swept away unfortunately. But I’m not going to let this story die especially now that we’re getting close to Christmas. It’s just going to be a really slow ride…
> 
> I’d just like to mention a little bit that the tone of this chapter (and most likely a few more chapters in the future) isn’t very “fluffy”, given that this is instead told from the POV of Carol, and not Therese who was head over heels for Carol ninety percent of the story. Just in case you’ll wonder why the tone seems a bit harsh here.
> 
> Anyway, enough of my rambling, enjoy the next chapter~

“At least you're not going to make the same mistake I did, to marry because it was the thing to do when you were about twenty, among the people I knew." Carol said wistfully.

“You mean you weren’t in love?” Therese said in a shocked tone that she failed to hide from Carol’s ears.

“Yes, I was, very much. And so was Harge. And he was the kind of man who could wrap your life up in a week and put it in his pocket.” And how Carol remembered those days. Giddy as a schoolgirl, she dropped whatever reservations she had at the time in an instant for him, and though those thoughts would never cross her mind about Harge now, the feelings at the time were genuine. “Were you ever in love, Therese?”

Then there was silence, and Carol’s lips widened to a grin. _Little child, lost in the adult world._ “No.” Therese finally replied.

“But you’d like to be.” Carol immediately added, for she knew this puzzling topic would be trailing across Therese’s mind almost every waking moment, as with all juveniles her age. The feeling of willingly losing yourself completely, the maddening embrace of a choking passion, the irresistible lure of the forbidden—

“Is Harge still in love with you?”

Carol’s smile was wiped cleanly. Her eyes dropped down at the abruptness of the question. Was he? “Even I don't know. In a way, he's the same emotionally as he's always been. It's just that now I can see how he really is.” _Carol the Trophy Wife, nothing more than another shiny object in the mantel of an ambitious man…_ “He’s never been interested in anyone else, it’s true. Maybe he'd be more human if he were. That I could understand and forgive…”

“Does he like Rindy?”

“Dotes on her.” Carol smiled. At least that was one redeeming quality of the man she chained herself with for ten years. _But… what if Rindy was just another trophy in his eyes… No, that’s impossible. We wouldn’t be battling over her custody if it were so._

And Therese kept on asking questions, Carol giving a short reply after each one that led to another question, and a mixture of resentment and regret started to well up inside her chest. “Is this the right conversation for Christmas Eve?”

“I want to learn all about you.” Therese said and Carol would’ve sworn she was looking at little puppy eyes.

 _Lovesick little girl_. She rolled her eyes and went on, telling her about how she wanted two or three children but wished otherwise afterwards, about her rocky marriage with Harge and their relationship with Rindy. After a few more short replies, she tried to steer the conversation away. “So you want to fall in love? You probably will soon, and if you do, enjoy it, it's harder later on.” She said high-handedly. Then it was Therese’s turn to be carried off as Carol dominantly drove the discussion her way, talking about the problems with sex and love, topics little Therese wouldn’t be proficient in at all. It felt like a game, and Carol was winning.

Until Therese shot her another puzzling question that made Carol impatiently drop the topic altogether. “I wonder if I can get a drink here.”

They left the restaurant when they found out that they didn’t sell any cocktails. “Do you want me to drive you home now?” Carol said wearily. “Or… perhaps do you want to come back to my place?”

“Your place sounds fine.” And the car headed towards New Jersey. By the way things were going, Carol could guess Therese would stay over at Carol’s place for Christmas, or at least a significant part of the night should she decide to go home later on. _To share Christmas Eve with a miserable soon-to-be divorcee because she couldn’t spend it with her daughter… not the most ideal way to spend the holidays, is it?_

“What a rotten time I give you.” Carol blurted out finally, as if her thoughts had managed to find her way into her mouth without her consent but continued anyway. “Sunday and now this. I’m not the best company this evening. What would you like to do?” She suggested a restaurant in Newark because she wanted to go somewhere, anywhere to keep herself from sulking and more importantly, to actually pay attention to the guest she so brusquely abducted, and on her last day of work too.

 “I really don't care about going anywhere—for myself.” Therese said meekly and Carol rolled her eyes.

“You’ve been in that rotten store all day and we haven't done a thing to celebrate your liberation.”

“I just like to be here with you.” Therese said and smiled shyly.

Then Carol shook her head. “Child, child, where do you wander—all by yourself?” and they drove on. _The poor girl, swept up and about by a wretched woman, trailing her like a little lost puppy._

She remembered Rindy suddenly, and hoped she’d be having a better time than the two women in the dark-green car speeding in the New Jersey Highway. She’d be running around the Christmas tree, with colorful streamers in her hand, wrapping them around the great pine.

“I know what.” She said and drove towards the side of the highway before stopping by some roadside stands with peddlers selling Christmas trees. Carol beckoned Therese out of the car to inspect the wares. “Pick a tree, one not too big or too small.” If Therese was supposed to be Rindy’s replacement for the evening, she might as well place her in the part. And Therese seemed to play that part well, running her hands through the leaves with the main trunk at the back of the car, pressing her face through the fir needles as if spellbound by the holiday spirit, a happy young lady. And Carol missed her own little girl.

“Let’s do the tree now.” Carol suggested as they carefully rolled the medium sized tree on its edge into the living room. Therese began to decorate the tree with a mixture of the tucked away decorations the Airds would always put in the tree, and what she could cook up with some leftover materials the two found lying about. Carol went to fix a drink for the both of them, something she probably couldn’t do if it was with Rindy. Instead of the usual holiday eggnog that would adorn most families’ Christmas table, Carol settled for some brandy staring at her from the kitchen cabinet. “Merry Christmas, Rindy…” she murmured as she took the first sip before bringing the drinks to the living room.

But as she entered, she saw Therese, completely absorbed in cutting a string of angels on some folded tissue paper. With a goofy grin on her face, Therese spread the homemade Christmas ornament and placed it on the tree. And Carol shook her head, a faint smile appearing on her lips. _Merry Christmas, Therese._

“Carol, do you have a white cotton blanket? And maybe some sugar?” Therese asked and Carol’s eyebrow lifted.

“Are… are you cold or…?” But Therese laughed as she went into the kitchen, probably to get the sugar so Carol went up to find a spare blanket. When she got down, Therese snatched it from Carol’s hands, crumpled it up and laid it around the tree, sprinkling some sugar on it afterwards. Then Carol’s jaw dropped. A golden ribbon angel at the top, surrounded by little white angels around the tree, with glistening snow at the bottom.

“There.” Therese said with a satisfied look on her face.

Carol quickly regained her composure before Therese turned to her and, with the calm and composed voice she always spoke in, “You’re very good at that. It’s superb. Everything but the presents.” _Rindy wouldn’t be able to do anything like this. No, this is the Christmas tree decorated by Therese Belivet…_

“What else do we need?” Therese said excitedly as she inspected the tree.

“Nothing.” Carol smiled. “Do you know what time it is?” Her eyes pointed towards the mantel clock. It read one hour past midnight.

“It’s Christmas…” Therese murmured and smiled herself.

And for the first time in the whole evening, Carol forgot about Rindy. Like the angels that adorned the tree they put together, Carol was sent her own Christmas angel to keep her from becoming lonely.

 _But this angel is a young woman, who has her own life to live…_ “You’d better stay the night.” Carol said with a resigned look, sardonically thinking to herself that she really did end up taking away this girl’s Christmas Eve.

“Alright.”

“What do you have to do tomorrow?” _At least I won’t be guilty about taking away your whole Christmas, would I?_ But Therese said she had to do nothing, and Carol’s brows furrowed. “Don’t you have to see Richard tomorrow?”

“No. I said I might see him. It's not important.” Carol was slightly shocked at this note.

 _It’s not important to go see the man you’re dating on Christmas?_ “I can drive you in early.” Carol insisted.

“Are you busy tomorrow?”

Carol paused, finished the last of the brandy, and lied. “Yes.”

Crestfallen, Therese started tidying up the scraps of art materials scattered around. Carol looked away. _At least you have someone to spend the holidays with…_ _someone that would actually love you if you got things worked out…_

A slight tinge of envy stirred up from within Carol but she quickly brushed it off. “Your friend Richard sounds like the kind of man who needs a woman around him to work for. Whether he marries her or not.” She said matter-of-factly. But Therese was silent. “Actually, I admire that more than the men who live alone or think they live alone, and end by making the stupidest blunders with women.” _Harge…_ Carol sighed. _Therese, you deserve better…_

Yet the young woman was still silent and Carol went on, mentioning Harge verbally this time and directly comparing him to Richard. Concern turned to bitterness as thoughts of all the years the married couple had spent began to flood Carol’s mind in an instant. _You should just be a good wife and sit in the corner when you’re not needed. Don’t do anything to embarrass him in front of the guests. Dance with him in front of everybody so that he can show them what a good wife he married._ “Do you dance, Therese? Do you like to dance?”

“No…” Therese answered meekly and Carol subsided.

“You’re tired. Come to bed.” She said, really telling that more to herself than Therese. She led her up the stairs and into the only room where there was a made bed other than Carol’s… Harge’s room. The twin beds were a constant reminder of how he would lock himself with Rindy away from Carol, while the woman would be alone in the little green room, her makeshift haven. And steadily, the bitterness and frustrations haunting her the whole evening began flooding back. She took out some pajamas and made sure to prepare the bed that Rindy slept on for her “replacement”.

Fighting back the vehement thoughts, Carol turned back one more time to her guest. “Merry Christmas.” And, like she was speaking to a little child, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Nothing.” Therese smiled.

Carol left her and went towards her own room. She knew the notion of “replacing” Rindy with Therese for the evening was a ridiculous one. One was a young woman whom she met as a salesclerk at Frankenberg’s, and the other, her own daughter. But her frustrations and spite kept on bringing the absurd thought back to her.

She remembered Abby too, probably drunk already from her party, and how that message she left at the Gerhards probably never reached her ears. Another knot twisted itself from envy and Carol clutched her fists.

 _What an awful person I’ve become…_ Carol flung herself onto her bed, but she knew she wouldn’t be sleeping. Moonlight streaked through the window and into the dark room. Nothing but the sound of a small clock ticking filled the silence in the air.

“Merry Christmas, Carol…” she murmured to herself.

And Carol wept.


	13. Chapter 13

“I love you…” The other woman said fervently to Carol.

“I know.” She replied teasingly. They were both sprawled out on the queen-sized bed at a motel in Connecticut with nothing but a thin cotton sheet and their unrestrained passions to keep them both warm.

“Does he know?”

Carol got up and wrapped a towel around her shoulders before walking to the windowsill. “No.” It was snowing outside at around eight in the morning.

“Does Rindy know…?”

Then Carol was silent for a moment. “No…” she finally answered. “I didn’t even tell either of them about this trip. I didn’t need to… It’s for the shop anyway.” Then she felt warm arms wrap themselves around her. “Abby…”

“It’s alright, Carol. We’ll have all the time in the world to sort this out.”

“We don’t…” Carol touched Abby’s arms as she rested her head on the other woman’s neck.

“Didn’t you say you two already talked about a divorce?”

“Yes, but that didn’t go very far. The main concern was Rindy. What else could it be?” Carol’s body felt cold suddenly, despite the heated love making that happened only moments earlier, and Abby felt it.

“Carol… Listen, I’m not making you choose between me and Rindy. It’s not fair to you.” She hesitated for a moment before carrying on. “But… if ever it comes down to it…” Carol fell into a deep silence and Abby immediately regretted her words. “I’m sorry.”

“I’d choose you…” She spoke finally before surrendering to her fatigue and collapsed into Abby’s tight embrace.

But Carol didn’t choose Abby.

“And now I have neither…” Carol murmured in between her sobs.

The faintest tint of sunlight began to peep from her window. It was bright enough for Carol’s wet eyes to catch a glance of Rindy’s present on her dresser, all wrapped up in a bright red wrapping paper and gold ribbons, glaring at her, berating her for allowing a little girl to wake up on Christmas morning without a present from her mother under the tree.

Carol’s sobs grew louder. “You unforgivably selfish broad!” All she thought about the previous day was escaping from her loneliness that she completely forgot to send over the present to Rindy. She trembled as she clutched herself, wanting to tear herself apart for failing as a mother once more.

It wasn’t until her weeping and self-loathing subsided did she hear a familiar whistle. It curved up and down and sounded like the bird that would be whistling it had been dunked in a glass of whiskey. It was Abby.

_Ever-reliable Abby._ Carol quickly dried her tears with the nearest available textile before peering out the window. And there she was, standing on the seat of her open-topped car with her fingers in her mouth, whistling a sorry excuse for a bird call.

“Are you going to bed or getting up?” Carol whispered loudly to Abby after she opened her window, referring to the fact that birds would usually call to their families when they go to sleep and when they wake up. And knowing Abby, she must’ve stayed up the whole night to be there that early.

“Both.” She said and they both giggled. Carol felt much better now that she had a companion who shared the same sleeplessness on Christmas morning.

“Go for a ride?” Abby said with a big smile, pointing to her car.

“You nitwit.” Abby knew Carol much too well. The moment she heard from her mother that “the dog got out again”, she probably deduced right away that Carol would be all alone on Christmas and hightailed it all the way there just to keep her company.

“You alone?” Carol guessed it right. She said no. “Uh-oh.” Abby said alarmed, probably thinking Harge and Rindy would be there.

“It’s all right. Do you want to come in?” Abby shrugged and finally got down from her car.

Carol quickly got a robe and walked out of the room, hastily putting it on as she crossed the hall. She heard the door from Harge’s room open and saw Therese peeping out.

“Sorry I wakened you.” _I guess all that whispering was for nothing if she heard Abby’s drunk bird call._ “Go back to bed.”

“I don’t mind.” Therese said and retreated slightly. “Can I come down?”

“Well, of course!” Carol smiled, her mood much more elated now than hours ago because of the arrival of her best friend. “Get a robe out of the closet.”

She hurried down into the living room and Abby made herself comfortable on the sofa. “Glad you could make it.” Carol said.

“Merry Christmas.” She shrugged and turned towards the tree. “Who made the Christmas tree?”

Then Carol heard footsteps from the stairs and turned to Therese. “She did.” Carol introduced the two which was followed by hellos and how-do-you-dos, in a comical low tone as if they were still being cautious to not wake anyone up.

“You make a fine tree.” Abby whispered with a big smile to Therese.

“Will everybody stop whispering?” Carol exclaimed and went into the kitchen to fix breakfast for the tree.

Abby followed her and with an exaggerated loud voice instead, said “Got any coffee, Carol?”

Carol rolled her eyes. But it was never a dull moment when Abby was around and she appreciated that. “So ‘the dog got out again”, huh?” Abby said. “I’m glad you don’t have a cat because my mother would surely find it weird if you kept on saying ‘my cat got out’ to her every time.” And Carol laughed.

“Would you rather it be a cockerel?” she said in between her laughs.

“Maybe that’s the call I’ll try to use next time.”

“Heavens no! You’re bad enough with your drunken bird twittering.”

“It’s to entice your cat to come out and eat it.” She said and Carol shook her head in mock annoyance.

“It’s a dog near our garage!” They both laughed on that Carol could barely finish what she was supposed to do. Tears were spilling from her eyes, no longer that of sorrow but from larking so much with Abby.

“Well.” Abby said after downing her glass of orange juice. “How’s old Harge?”

Carol’s hand stop midway while opening the refrigerator. She feared the mood would darken suddenly and she knew that she had to explain why she suddenly summoned Abby from miles and miles away in the first place. “The same.”

“Well, it’s Christmas. So I’ll get the old man something nice. Didn’t he always tell you he likes to be prepared all the time which is why he bought the you-know-what after that burglar broke in?”

“Yes?” Carol’s eyebrow raised, relieved a little that it was still light bantering.

“I’ll get him a Boy Scout pocket gadget! Perfect for the ambitious little boy inside of him.” Carol suddenly arched her back and laughed so hard she nearly fell over.

“I’m going to tell him that. I can’t resist.” Carol said after her outburst. Even with all the romantic feelings behind them, she still loved her friend very dearly for being able to make her laugh like that.

“And tell him where it came from.” Abby said turned to Therese with an eyebrow raised, as if trying to include her in the banter. “Where’re you from?”

“She’s from New York.” Carol answered for her, trying to hide the fact that she was flatly reminded that Therese was there the whole time.

Abby smiled at Therese, who was really acting like a wallflower the whole time which is why Carol forgot all about her, Carol told herself. Then Abby brought out a pack of Craven “A”s and lit herself a stick before offering some to Therese. “Are you old enough to smoke?”

“Abby, what is this?” Carol said suddenly, shocked and embarrassed for what she was implying. Abby really knew Carol well, much too well to be implying that Therese was Rindy’s “replacement” for Christmas, even though she couldn’t deny it herself, but not as a “replacement daughter”.

Therese accepted the cigarette and Carol was a little glad she did since it at least made her look a little older. “Well, what’s what?” Abby asked, resting her chin on her hands while her elbows rested on the table.

“I suspect you’re a little tight.” Carol’s brows furrowed slightly. _Could Abby be thinking that Therese is her “replacement” instead? Oh God, no!_

“Driving for hours in the open air?” Abby shrugged. “I left New Rochelle at two, got home and found your message, and here I am.” And Carol felt guilty all of a sudden for too many reasons for her to pinpoint just one. She stayed silent. She had to explain it to Abby sooner or later. “Well?”

“Well… I didn’t win the first round.” Carol finally said in defeat.

“For how long?” Abby took a puff from her cigarette, all the goofiness and playfulness from her face completely gone as she listened to her friend.

“For three months.” Carol sighed. She didn’t want Rindy to be tossed back and forth between herself and Harge so she agreed to what Harge’s lawyer had to say on the matter. _At least I’ll have her on her birthday in April._ She told herself.

“Starting when?”

“Starting now. Starting last night in fact.” She was about to explain even further but she was reminded of Therese again suddenly and her eyes just stared at her coffee cup.

“That’s not set already is it?” Abby asked, her tone growing a little more serious as she listened to her friend.

“I’m afraid it is.” Carol said lightly, a failed attempt at hiding her disappointment. “Just verbally but it’ll hold.” Her thoughts began to stray again into the coming days and she felt like she was standing on thin ice with a pool of her never-ending loneliness below her, threatening to swallow her up whole. “What are you doing tonight?” She blurted out suddenly. “Late.”

“I’m not doing anything early. Dinner’s at two today.” Abby said with a grin. Playful Abby was back again.

“Call me sometime.” Carol said, trying to hide the desperation in her voice.

“Sure.” Probably still sensing the distress in Carol, which was really easy to guess from her crestfallen look, Abby said “I’d take a trip. Take a little trip away somewhere.” Then she turned to Therese as if she was trying to get her to agree. Therese seemed a little shocked for some reason.

_A trip…_ _Where would I go? For how long?_ She understood why Abby suggested it. It would probably help her forget all about her problems of her marriage, of Rindy and Harge, or at least not remind her any more. But Carol didn’t trust herself when she was alone for it was far too easy to fall into the pit of loneliness and self-loathing. She knew Abby couldn’t come along with her since she had many “things” to do, be it parties or little part time jobs like pulling bugs from an Italian lemon crate or whatever a reserve entomologist does.

“I’m not much in the mood.” Carol said anyway and shrugged.

Abby feigned disgust and said “This place is gloomy as a coal pit in the mornings, isn't it?”

“Maybe not a coal pit. I’m thinking more of an asylum.” Carol ushered them all into the living room.

“That’s not dull.”

“Why? Have you already been to one? Or don’t tell me you’ve been admitted already.”

“No, but I will be if they ever make me pick another bug from a Bahama lily again.” They bantered on and on as best friends do. And though Carol didn’t make the same mistake of forgetting about Therese’s existence again, she didn’t seem to want to say anything anyway.

“Was it a good party?” Carol smiled as she lit Abby another cigarette. Abby just shrugged, telling her about a man named Bob or whatever. Nothing seemed to really matter then, and for a moment, Carol felt peaceful, wanting nothing more than to spend the holidays just like that, banishing the molesting thoughts of bitterness and spite. She asked the time and it was about seven thirty. “Do you want to sleep some more, Therese?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“I’ll drive you in whenever you have to go.” It’s not that she didn’t want Therese to be there, it’s just that she no longer needed her. As thankful as she was for that Christmas angel that was sent during her time of need, Carol would have felt more at ease if she was just with her best friend. At least she could talk more about Rindy and Harge if they were alone.

Not wanting to seem curt to her though, she never explicitly tried to chase her away, she might even get to know her a little better as a good friend, Carol thought.

Finally, Carol let out a big yawn and Abby stood up. “You know what, Therese, let me be the one to drive you home. I’ve got nothing better to do and I enjoy a little drive out in the cold air. It’s almost ten, how about we go out now? Haven’t been to New York in a while.” Then Abby winked at Carol

“Oh, uhm, thanks.” Therese said and looked at Carol. She was about to say something but stifled a yawn and nodded instead.

“You’re just as sleepy as I am, you party girl.” Carol whispered away from Therese’s earshot. “Don’t drive off a cliff.”

“I’ll use my little bug wings to fly if that happens.” She joked around some more.

“Well keep an extra pair of those little bug wings for Therese. She is my guest after all.”

“I’ll lend her the other wing and we’ll both flap together.” Carol rolled her eyes with a defeated smile. Then she quickly remembered something and ran up to her room to get it. “Can you take this to Rindy after you drop Therese off?”

Abby eyed the wrapped present. “Sure.”

“Thanks, and don’t worry, yours is in transit and should arrive within the week.”

“I hope whatever it is, it won’t fall apart in the box like last year.”

“That’s because you shook it inside its box when it was clearly marked ‘fragile’.” Carol said and pushed her out the door where Therese was waiting. “You won’t be able to shake it this time.”

The two waved goodbye from the open car as it quickly sped out of Carol’s driveway and into the street. The house seemed quieter afterwards but so was Carol’s mind. Brushing her hair once on either side, she sat down on the sofa, looking at all the cigarette stubs and ashes at the tray. She fell asleep shortly after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted Carol and Abby’s relationship to mirror Therese and Danny’s from the book so this chapter might have focused a lot on Abby. It might seem like a Carol x Abby chapter but this is still based on the book, and Carol and Therese’s relationship develops a little later. Therese and Danny’s relationship wasn’t purely platonic at one point either.


	14. Chapter 14

“Here.” Abby said, dropping the wrapped present into Carol’s hands. “Apparently I’m everyone’s delivery girl now.”

Carol eyed the card that was slipped underneath the ribbon. It had Carol’s name written in gold letters on a dark-green patterned paper. It looked like it was handmade. She pulled out the card and opened it to reveal little folded angel cutouts around a felt Christmas tree. Carol thought it beautiful. But her brows tightened when she saw “From Therese” at the bottom. She suddenly remembered seeing this package before. Therese kept on carrying it around the previous night but Carol just dismissed it as a present she got from someone. She must have been planning to give it to Carol all along even though their meeting that day wasn’t planned. That, along with the handmade card, made her feel uneasy.

“She told me to give it to you after I dropped her off this morning.” Abby said and shrugged. “Well? What are you waiting for? Open it.”

“Right here?” They were in a small coffee shop in New Jersey a few blocks down from where Abby lived.

“Why not? You’re going to open it later on anyway.” Abby said, eyes never leaving the present.  Carol began protesting but Abby kept on insisting and eventually she relented.

“Whoa…” Abby stared in disbelief. It was a handbag of black quilted leather with a strap and golden buckles. “That’s quite a present.”

Carol sighed. It was exactly what she feared. The handbag looked much too expensive to be a casual Christmas gift. _Therese must have spent so much on this…_

“That girl must be a lot better off than she looks.” Abby remarked, still staring at the bag.

“I don’t think so.” Carol said, opening the bag to see if there was anything else in it. It had satin inner linings and a tag of some expensive looking brand inside but nothing else.

“Does she work?” Abby asked. Carol couldn’t give a straight answer. She didn’t want to say Therese was just a salesclerk, and she did say she was already through with working in Frankenberg’s. “Well, let me know her secret if she tells you. She looks far too young to be already established.”

 _Therese is much too young_ , Carol thought. She wondered suddenly about Therese’s professional life. All she knows is that she started working as soon as she got out of school, and without any parents to support her, it must have been tough to make ends meet, let alone afford an expensive bag such as that. She did mention she got fired once.

“I’ll call her up.” Carol said, getting up from her seat. They left the coffee shop and went to a nearby phone booth outside. Carol remembered writing down Therese’s phone number on a little slip of paper she stuffed into her handbag on Christmas Eve.

“Hello?” Therese said at the other end of the line after being summoned by her landlady.

“Hello, Therese.” Carol said, unsure of what to say.

“Oh, Carol. Merry Christmas.” She heard Therese’s voice instantly growing brighter and Carol could tell Therese had a big goofy smile on her face.

“Merry Christmas.” Then there was a brief pause. “Well, I called to say thank you for the handbag.”

“I hope you like it.”

“I do. I think it’s beautiful.” She said cautiously. “But I think it’s much too grand a present. It must have cost you quite a bit.”

“Oh, no, don’t worry about—”

“You should take it back…” Carol quickly silenced her before she could say anything else. “It doesn’t feel right for me to accept such a present from you.”

But then Therese chuckled which caught Carol by surprise. “I bought that bag because I wanted you to have it. I mean, it looks like you… just at a glance.” She could sense a bit of shyness in her tone.

“Well, thank you then…” _She said she wants me to have it… Now I can’t make her take it back…_ “How about I see you tomorrow?”

“Really? Sure, I’d like that.”

Therese’s chipper voice was contagious and it almost made Carol smile a little. “I’ll drop by at your place sometime in the afternoon.” She remembered agreeing to meet an old friend in the evening and so she had to squeeze it in. She asked for the address and they hung up. Carol’s lips pursed into a small frown. If she couldn’t get Therese to take back the handbag, she thought, then she should at least return the favor by getting her something nice in return. Her pride prevented her to do otherwise.

“How did that go?” Abby, who was waiting patiently outside the phone booth the whole time, asked.

Carol shrugged with a resigned look. “What did you want when you were her age?”

“A train set.” Abby laughed and Carol just looked at her with slight annoyance.

“She’s not that young.”

“How old is she?”

“I don’t know. Twenty-one maybe. She didn’t say.” _Nineteen…_ “Old enough to smoke anyway.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Abby said and a slight feeling of abandonment struck Carol. She immediately dismissed it. “Anyway, have you thought about what I said about taking a trip? You’ll be free for the next couple of months anyway, right?”

Carol’s eyes cast downwards. The way Abby suggested it clearly stated that she wouldn’t go with her. Maybe she thought it was for the best anyway, since the last time they both took a trip together was when they were still lovers. A slight pang of guilt etched itself into her heart. Carol made it quite clear to Abby when they decided to call it off that it was all for the best and two women should only stay as friends. To be all alone with her would make it much too easy to reawaken those forbidden feelings. If she were to take a trip alone though, she would no doubt fall into the trap of her own thoughts.

Then her eyes caught a glimpse of the shining gold buckle that shimmered in her eye. _What if…?_ “Carol, you’re spacing out again.” Abby said waving her hand in front of Carol.

“I’ll think about it.” Carol said dismissively. Her first priority was finding a gift for Therese… and hopefully find out a little more about her in the process.

 

Who was Therese Belivet to her anyway? Carol thought to herself as she walked along the streets of New York. _Just a stranger… who kept me from my loneliness on two separate occasions… a little Christmas angel… a child…_ Carol sighed as she stopped at a pedestrian light. _Why couldn’t she be more of an adult? Why couldn’t she be more on the same foot with Carol? That way, should they spend a little more time together, they could—_

Carol quickly shook her head. _No._ She reprimanded herself squarely. The thoughts lingered for a little while longer and Carol hated herself for it as she browsed the shops along the streets. She told herself that she wanted Therese to be a little more grown up because she wanted to thank her properly for spending all that time accompanying a miserable wretch. That was the alibi that she decided on, despite how little sense it made.

As she passed by a leather goods store along Madison Avenue, a familiar little golden shimmer appeared from the corner of her eye. It was from a golden buckle on a handbag that looked strikingly similar to the one Therese gave Carol. The leather was tan instead of black and the straps were slightly different but carol was sure Therese had bought it from there. “How much for the handbag with the golden buckles in the window?”

“Seventy-one eighteen with the tax.” Carol’s eyebrows raised. That amount wasn’t very much for her but to Therese, it must have cost a fortune. _I guess there’s no turning back now._ She was tempted just to buy the same bag for her but it would seem awfully curt to do so. “We also have a selection of other goods such as suitcases and valises if you’re interested.” The salesgirl said and gestured towards the other leather goods.

She remembered the doll valise that brought them to meet in Frankenberg’s almost a week ago. Carol turned towards the suitcases. They were perfectly plain in thick leather. Very professional looking, she thought. And right then and there did she decide to take a gamble. Part of the reason why Carol wanted to meet Therese today was to know a little more about her. Carol didn’t like not knowing about the people she associated herself with like the ones Harge would just randomly bring to their house, but part of her was also a bit reluctant to know more about Therese. What if she just wasn’t the type of person Carol saw herself being around with? What if she was uncouth, immature and just plain hopeless? Then Carol would have to walk out the door and never turn back again.

But she had a strong feeling Therese wasn’t like that. She’s polite, very sensitive and, Carol had hoped, very mature for her age. She wanted to buy the suitcase for Therese as a way of bringing out the growing adult in her, a staunch contrast to the cup of milk she gave her just a few days ago. If she didn’t like or appreciate it, then she’s all the more a child than she thought.

The suitcase cost a bit less than the bag however and Carol was wondering if she should put something in it just to match the price of the handbag she received. “We can also print something on it for you if you like.” The clerk said. “It’ll cost a little extra though.”

Carol rattled her brain, trying to remember what Therese’s middle name was. She asked her that in passing when they were setting up the tree. _Therese… M-something…. Belivet…_ Realizing the futility of it and the humiliation that would follow should she get it wrong, she asked to have the initials printed instead.

“That’ll be seventy-three forty in total. You can come pick it up later after lunch.” The clerk said at the cashier.

“Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> $71.18 in 1948 would be worth about $708.87 now in 2016 so it's a really expensive bag.
> 
> This will be the last chapter for the year since I'll be a bit busy until January. Happy holidays everyone. Have fun Caroling~


	15. Chapter 15

“Third room to the left on the second floor.” The landlady said and gestured towards the end of the hallway where the stairs were. “The doorbells are over there.” Carol picked up the wrapped suitcase she laid on the ground and walked towards the set of doorbells. “T. Belivet” was written on top of one and she swiftly tapped it three times before proceeding up the stairwell. She heard the sound of a door open and saw Therese peeping down from the second floor. The young woman quickly ran down the stairs, eager to help Carol because she probably looked like she was having difficulty carrying the large object wrapped in brown paper.

“It’s empty.” Carol said and lifted it before presenting it to her. “It’s for you.” Therese led the way up the stairwell and into her apartment with the suitcase in hand. When they got there, Therese immediately began unwrapping it on her couch with a pair of scissors.

Carol’s eyes quickly darted from corner to corner, meticulously inspecting the room that the young woman called home. It was reasonably well maintained for someone who lived alone, not like the slightly messy house that Abby would always invite Carol into. The most noticeable object was a wooden statuette of the Virgin Mary with her child, which didn’t surprise her at all because of Therese’s apparent fixation on angels that Carol started to notice. Carol never considered herself to be religious. It was quite the opposite actually. Her in-laws made it very clear to her with their blatant gossiping that God frowned upon women who had sexual relations with other women. A slight knot began to turn itself in Carol’s stomach.

“It’s terribly good looking!” Therese exclaimed and turned it around to inspect it from different angles. Carol wrenched her gaze away from the statuette.

“Do you like it? I don’t even know if you need a suitcase.” Her heart fluttered a little, unsure of how Therese would take the present and her intentions of it being a symbolical gift of bringing her into the adult world.

“Of course I like it!” She said, smiling as her hands brushed the light brown leather exterior. Whether it was genuine delight or another one of Therese’s thoughtful intentions, Carol didn’t know but it made her smile a little inside.

“Work the combination and see if you like the inside.” Carol said, gesturing towards the tag that had the numbers 6-2-3 written on it.

Therese opened the suitcase midway and dipped her head in. A ridiculous gesture because it looked like a giant clamshell was trying to eat her whole. Carol’s eyebrow raised in confusion. “I like the smell too.” Therese said and stuck her head back out. The older woman’s eyes rolled in amusement. _Some people like the smell of leather but you don’t have to stick your head in._

It happened in a split second. A sudden fondness stirred up inside Carol, remembering the thoughtfulness of the young woman as a kind stranger, being so close to her when she was in Carol’s house on two separate occasions, the small spark of Therese’s juvenility that would awaken the dormant flames of passion within Carol. And all of that immediately vanished the moment her eyes caught sight of the mother and child figurine again on top of the red makeshift bookshelf. She felt cold and uncomfortable all of a sudden, as if the wooden Madonna was putting Carol in her place, reminding her that she was a mother and all the misfortune those feelings had brought when she was with Abby. She felt choked and swallowed the lump in her throat. “Are you busy?” She tried to say as casually as she could, turning to Therese. “If you are, I’ll leave.”

“No.” Therese said with a slightly astonished expression. “Sit down. I’m not doing anything.” She stood up and walked to Carol’s side. _Don’t come any closer…_ “Except reading a play.”

Carol nearly took a step back but Therese’s figure blocked her view of the bookshelf where the statuette stood and Carol’s shoulder’s immediately softened. “What play?” She asked in a conversational tone after letting out an inner sigh of relief.

“A play I have to do sets for.” And Carol’s eyebrows raised.

“Sets for?”

“Yes.” Therese smiled modestly and shrugged. “I’m a stage designer.” She took Carol’s coat and ushered her to sit down.

Carol suddenly remembered why she had visited Therese apart from giving the gift and was very pleasantly surprised. _A stage designer, a person of the arts._ It all made sense, the craftsmanship of the Christmas tree ornaments and the Christmas card. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” She smiled and sat down on the straight chair, away from the sight of the red bookshelf and took a cigarette from her handbag. “How many other rabbits are you going to pull out of your hat?”

“It's the first real job. And it's not a Broadway play. It's going to be done in the village. A comedy. I haven't got a union membership yet. I'll have to wait for a Broadway job for that.”

“Union membership?”

“The Stage Designer’s Union. It’s every stage designer’s dream to get a union membership because it’ll be easier to be referred to bigger budget plays. Even Broadway isn’t too far away once you get that membership.”

“I see.” Carol said and brushed her hair on either side. “Then what’s keeping you from getting that membership then?”

“It costs quite a lot to get into the union. Fifteen hundred dollars for a junior membership and two thousand for a senior one.”

“And do you have all that money saved up yet?”

“No.” Therese said quietly. “Just a few hundred. But if I get a job, they’ll let me pay it off in installments.” And a small smile rose from Carol’s lips. _Looks like she’s not far from the young adult I was hoping for._

“Well, if a Broadway job comes out of this, would you consider borrowing the rest of the money from me? Just as a business loan?”

“Thanks, I—”

“I’d like to do it for you.” Carol cut her off. “You shouldn't be bothered paying off two thousand dollars at your age.” She felt her pride beginning to swell and it was very welcome considering how shaken she was a moment before.

“Thanks. But I won't be ready for one for another couple of years.”

“Oh they don't really keep track of apprenticeships, do they?” She took a long breath of her cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly, watching the narrow cloud with her head held up high.

“No. Of course not.” Therese smiled, appearing fascinated by Carol’s gesture. “Would you like a drink? I've got a bottle of rye.”

“How nice. I'd love one, Therese.” Still smiling, the young woman went to the kitchenette to fix the drinks. Carol stood up. Her eyes caught one last glimpse of the wooden figure and she sighed. _Maybe I really do need to take a trip just to get away from all of this._ She took the opportunity to scrutinize the place further, searching for the answer to that nagging question in her mind that she refused to acknowledge. “Are you a good cook?” She asked as she looked into the shelves near Therese.

“Yes.” She replied quietly and paused for a second. “I'm better when I have someone to cook for.” Therese said bashfully. “I can make good omelets. Do you like them?”

Carol liked her eggs boiled. “No.” She said, brushing the topic about her food preferences altogether, but the young woman seemed to find humor in it. Impatient, Carol steered the conversation her way. “Why don't you show me some of your work?”

Therese handed her the glass of rye before taking out a folder and some sketchbooks from the closet. Carol eyed them closely and was disappointed, given the number of Broadway plays she’s already been to due to her lavish lifestyle. Therese’s drawings were plain, sketched in pencil without any color and it failed to appeal to Carol. “And this is one I just thought of recently.” Therese said, pointing to a sketch of a house interior that was drawn from a two-point perspective.

“Won’t it look too different from the actors if it’s drawn this way?” Carol remarked, her head held up high. Therese scrunched her face, inspecting the drawing in question while Carol glanced at the other works. The way Carol surmised it was that Therese had the potential but her thinking still lacked the maturity of an adult. _She’s still very prone to making mistakes… Life changing ones… Like marrying a man before you saw how he really is…._

“This one’s nice.” Carol said, pointing at a cardboard stage hanging on the wall. It was decorated with colorful paper and the models were cut out with the same cardboard used to make the set. “It’s Russian, isn’t it? You mentioned that Richard’s family is Russian. Did he help you write these letters?” And Therese confirmed it. “Yes, I like this the best.” Carol said, puffing out another cloud of smoke.

“But it’s the same thing.” Therese said with a disappointed face. “The same thing as the drawings, only in model form.”

“Well, maybe it’s your drawings.” She said and turned away from the cardboard set. “They’re very positive anyway. I like that about them.” _No longer a child but not quite there yet. I’m sure time will change that… time and maybe something else…_ “You see, I didn’t make a mistake, did I?” She sat back down on the couch with a smug on her face.

“About what?” Therese said in a puzzled look.

“About you.” _About your life, your attitude, your maturity, and your potential to be my… Well… Someone to keep me company while I fix my damned life anyway._

“Did you think you had?” Therese said, still giving off that confused look that gave Carol delight.

“No.” Or rather, she hoped she hadn’t. And didn’t like it if she made mistakes, admittedly or otherwise. “What do you have to pay for an apartment like this?”

“Fifty a month.”

“Tsk.” _Yet you didn’t think twice about sending me that seventy dollar bag, now did you?_ “Doesn’t leave you much out of your salary, does it?”

“No. But I’ll be making more soon.” Therese replied and proceeded to pack away her work. “I won’t be living here forever either.”

Then Carol smiled. “Of course you won’t. You'll travel too, the way you do in imagination.” And for a moment, she lost herself in her thoughts when she was Therese’s age, reminding herself that she was quite fond of the young woman because she reminded her of her younger self, the Carol that died after she entered matrimony. “You'll see a house in Italy you'll fall in love with. Or maybe you'll like France. Or California, or Arizona.”

“Do people always fall in love with things they can't have?” Therese asked smiling.

“Always.” Carol was looking at Therese fondly now. The way she saw her previous self in the young woman might just be what she needs to forget all about the life with Harge she wants to leave behind. She decided to believe in that chance. “I think I shall take a trip after all.”

Therese’s hands stopped moving and Carol saw it. “For how long?”

“Just a month or so.” She felt a strange satisfaction in knowing that she got the reaction she was hoping for, as if she had the power to easily influence the young woman, the mirror of her younger self.

“How soon will you be going?”

“Right away.” She said casually. “I suppose as soon as I can arrange everything. And there isn’t much to arrange.” _Just you._

“Why don’t you go somewhere with Abby?” And that was all it took to wipe that satisfaction cleanly away.

_I can’t… if I go alone with her for a month, I’ll…_ She felt the cold stare of the wooden Madonna again. “I don't think she's free in the first place.” Carol’s face stiffened ever so slightly. Hazy memories began flooding back to her, fond memories that she cast away months ago, and loneliness swept over her. Therese stared at her with concerned eyes and Carol looked back at the considerate stranger. “You’re very nice to let me see you so often.” She said and paused. “You know, I don’t feel like seeing the people I generally see just now.” Then her voice grew quieter. “One can’t really… Everything’s supposed to be done in pairs…”

Therese’s expression turned to that of pity and Carol immediately noticed it. _Do not pity me!_ She stood up with her head held high. If there was one thing Carol didn’t like, it was being vulnerable, especially in front of other people. Her face flashed a confident smile as her body language threatened to leave.

“Why don't we do something tonight?” Therese blurted out suddenly. “You can stay here if you want to, and I'll finish reading the play. We can spend the evening together.” Carol’s lips curled into a grin as she didn’t answer. She had no intention of leaving just yet, and walked towards the bookshelf. She looked at the statuette once more, unfazed now with a smile on her face from the burst of confidence earlier. “What kind of plants are these?” Carol asked casually, referring to a few plants in a flowerbox that shared the same bookshelf.

“I don’t know.” She said with a shrug.

“You don’t know?” Carol said amused. _Aloe Vera, Lady Palm, and a poorly maintained Caladium._

“Just plants.” Therese said with a shrug in her tone.

“Just plants.” Carol smiled and looked at the wooden Madonna. _It won’t happen… Not with a child like her._

“What about tonight?” Therese asked. Carol could feel the pleading tone in her voice.

“Alright. But I won’t stay.” She said and looked at her watch, recalling her appointment with an old friend. “It’s only three. I’ll give you a ring around six. I feel like looking at furniture this afternoon.”

“Furniture? In stores?”

“In stores or at the Parke-Bernet. Furniture does me good.” She didn’t know why. Whether it was because it reminded her of her time with Abby or it was just fascinating for her to look at, one thing was for sure, it did a good job at keeping her loneliness at bay. Then she looked at Therese, who appeared as if she was bracing herself to say goodbye to Carol. The older woman rolled her eyes as she took her coat and swiftly placed her arm around her future companion. _Here’s to us then._ “Bye-bye.”

And in that same moment, the long sound of the doorbell quickly divided the two. Carol’s lips furled into a small smile, hiding her irritation. “Who is it?” She asked.

“Richard probably.” Therese said with a slight nervous look on her face.

“Good. I’d like to meet him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> $50 in 1948 = $497.94 today.  
> $1,500 in 1948 = $14,938.20 today.  
> $2,000 in 1948 = $19,917.59 today.


	16. Chapter 16

Therese opened the door and in came a young man with unruly hair and a certain laxness in his gait, just as Therese had described him. “Hello, I decided—” His voice came to a sudden halt as he saw Carol. Any former laxness in his posture was immediately lost and replaced with a slight hostility from seeing someone unfamiliar in his girlfriend’s apartment.

“Richard, this is Mrs. Aird.” Therese said and turned to Carol. “Richard Semco.”

Carol let out a disarming smile. “How do you do?” Richard stiffly returned the greeting and the two scrutinized each other. He reminded her a little bit of Harge during his younger days but that may just be because Carol seldom interacts with young men. He seemed a little older than Therese though not as old as Harge when Carol first met him. He was carrying a box in his hands that he then placed on a table.

“I was so near, I thought I'd come up.” Richard said, still overly cautious at the presence of a stranger. “I had to take a present to a friend of Mamma's. This is lebkuchen. Anyone want some now?” He offered the German pastry, as if suddenly realizing the visible hostility he’s been giving off. Carol kept her face unreadable and the two women declined.

The whole time, Carol kept on studying Richard. What better way to find out about someone than to observe their significant other? Someone who would know all their good points and bad points, their likes and dislikes, fears and anxieties… and would so coldly ignore all of that, expecting they’d behave themselves and just sit in one corner… Carol’s thoughts turned bitter. “Please sit down.” Therese said from miles away.

“No, I’m going.” She brushed her off flatly.

“I’ll give you half, Terry, then I’ll be going too.” _Terry?_ Carol’s eyebrows raised, unnoticeable to anyone except her. She found the unisex nickname very unflattering, especially for a pretty young woman like Therese. She turned to “Terry” and gave her a small, almost mocking smile then sat back down on the couch to observe.

“Anyway, don’t let me rush you off.” Richard said, fixing the half cake.

“You’re not.” Carol said, eyes darting from the visibly nervous Therese to the laid-back Richard. “You’re a painter, aren’t you, Richard?”

“Yes.” He said and licked the icing off his finger. Carol found the display uncouth before realizing she had done the same before with the sour caramel pudding. “Are you a painter too?”

“No.” She said with a smile, as if hiding her current situation behind a friendly face. “I’m nothing.” _Nothing but a wretched broad who’s trying to end a marriage that’s been doomed from the very start._

“The hardest thing to be.” He said.

“Is it?” Carol’s smile widened. She liked that thought. And it was true because if you had nothing to occupy yourself, you’d allow your own thoughts to take over—part of the reason she wanted to start that furniture shop with Abby. “Are you a good painter?” She asked without mincing her words, curious to see if he possessed more talent than his artistic girlfriend.

“I will be. I can be. Have you got any beer, Terry? I’ve got an awful thirst.” He said, brushing it off completely. “You want anything?” Richard asked to Carol but she declined again. She never liked beer and considered it a drink for the masses that Carol was obviously not a part of. At least he was polite and courteous enough to offer, even though the beer wasn’t his. “I thought we might go to a movie tonight, Terry. I'd like to see that thing at the Victoria. Do you want to?”

“I can't tonight. I've got a date with Mrs. Aird.” Therese replied, almost like an excuse and Carol didn’t like it one bit.

“Oh.” Richard said then all eyes turned to Carol.

She crushed the half-finished cigarette she was holding in an ashtray and swiftly stood up. “I must be going.” Then passed by Therese. “Call you back around six. If you change your mind, it's not important.” She said smiling, almost like a challenge to Therese, like a test to see if she would choose her over Richard’s offer. “Goodbye, Richard.” She said and he returned the goodbye. When she was in the stairwell and out of sight from Richard, she winked at Therese. “Be a good girl.”

 

Stanley McVeigh was waiting at St. Regis entrance with his boxer dog on a leash. The moment he saw Carol’s figure in a mink coat, he tipped his hat and lead the way in. “How are you, Carol?” He said politely on the way to their reserved table.

“The same as always.” She said impersonally. Stanley was a family friend that Carol met before she married Harge. He was older than her by about ten years. She remembered having a small crush on him back when she was still a teenager, with his tall stature, sophisticated aura and attractive face, but all of that was lost after she met Harge a few years later.

Stanley proceeded to talk about how his wife and kids are doing. He got married shortly after Carol did and has three children now, the eldest was just a little older than Rindy. “And how about you? How is Hargess treating you?”

Carol never told anyone except Abby and her family about the divorce and she certainly didn’t want to let the word get out now. “Fine. Our furniture store closed down months ago. Apparently, shopping for furniture is the least on people’s minds in the highway just outside of Elizabeth.”

“Well that’s a shame. I know a friend who owns a furniture house on Fourth Avenue. They said something about needing a buyer. Maybe you’d know anyone?”

“No, Abby and I bought the furniture ourselves. We took trips to other states like Connecticut.” She said wistfully, the memories still tugging at her every time.

“Well, maybe you could work there.” He said jokingly and laughed. “It wouldn’t suit a woman as graceful as you to work like that though.”

The cocktails arrived, Gibson for Carol and Bloody Mary for Stanley. “What’re you doing in January?” He asked. “If you’re free one afternoon, I’d love it if you could come down and meet the wife and kids.”

“I’m going to take a cross country trip for about a month. I don’t know if I’ll be around then.”

“Oh? A family vacation? Doesn’t your daughter have school by then?”

“I’ll be going alone…” Her voice trailed off.

Stanley took a long pause, as if sensing that Carol wants to leave the topic altogether. Instead, he proceeded to bore her with his stories of what he’s been up to the past few years. Carol appreciated it though. He mentioned something about a Mongolian man he met, and Carol had a sudden craving for Asian food.

Before long, it was a little past six in the evening. Carol excused herself to make a phone call in the lobby. “Hello?” Therese picked up the phone on the first ring as if she’d been waiting all this time.

“Hello, Therese. Do you still want to go on that date you told Richard about? Or are you going to see that movie with him? It’s not that important to me, you know.” And she subconsciously braced herself for rejection.

“Oh, he said we’ll just go do something else tomorrow night. I’d love to meet up with you again today.”

“Alright. Do you feel like going to Chinatown?” She said casually, silencing the spontaneous anxiety that erupted earlier.

“Of course. Anywhere is fine with me really… I’m just glad I get to spend some time with you.” Carol’s eyes rolled.

“I'm having cocktails with someone in the St. Regis. Why don't you pick me up here? It's the little room, not the big one. And listen, we're going on to some theater thing you've asked me to. Get it?”

“Some sort of Christmas benefit cocktail party?” Carol laughed. It was probably the excuse she said to Richard instead of simply “Going to see some furniture with Mrs. Aird.”

“Hurry up.” Carol said, tired of Stanley’s stories. Just how one man could spend over half an hour talking about tuxedo cuff links, she didn’t know.

“Stanley, this is Therese Belivet, a friend of mine.” Carol said when Therese walked in a quarter of an hour later. “Therese, Stanley McVeigh.” They exchanged pleasantries and the gentleman escorted the two ladies out to get a taxi.

“Where did you say you two were headed again?” He asked as he handed the money to the driver.

Carol was about to open her mouth but instead she nervously turned to Therese. “At the Black Cat Theatre near Morton Street. I invited Carol to watch the evening screening of Petrushka because I know the stage designer.” She said smiling.

“Ah, the famous Russian ballet.” Stanley said and turned to the driver. Carol gave Therese another wink and looked at her fondly.

“Who's he?” Therese asked when they got in the taxi.

“An old friend. Seeing more of me now that Harge and I are separating.”

Therese looked at her almost nervously. “Do you like him?”

“So so.” Carol said and turned to the front of the car. "Driver, will you make that Chinatown instead of the other?”

They immediately went to satisfy Carol’s craving for Chinese food and Therese was having difficulty using the chopsticks. “You hold it in your hand like you would with a pen.” Carol said, showing her fingers elegantly holding the two sticks with a dumpling in between. Frustrated, Therese stabbed a dumpling with a stick and pretended to carry it like the more experienced woman did. Carol laughed at her. Her laughing grew even louder when they served the rice.

“It always rains in Chinatown whenever I’m here.” Carol sighed as they exited the restaurant. “Not that I mind too much.” She said as they hid under the shop roofs. “There’s a drugstore in that corner that sells a cure for canker sores. I give it to Rindy all the time. She said she doesn’t like the taste but it works. I’d like to get her a bottle since I won’t be around her for the next few months.” One shop led to another and before they knew it, they had bought quite a few things from different stores.

“I’d like to get this for you. I’m sure you’d look beautiful in them.” Therese said, pointing at some high heeled sandals. “Ah, not that you don’t look very beautiful already.”

Carol clicked her tongue. “Rindy wouldn’t approve me wearing this. She takes after her father, a conservative. She wouldn’t even leave the house without any stockings, even in the summer.” Carol headed further into the garment store. There were a couple of Cheongsams and Chinese Suits that came in children’s sizes. And with the earlier thought of Rindy’s conservatism, she decided to buy the latter with its plain black trousers instead of the dress that showed the legs. Maybe she unconsciously thought that she could make it up to Rindy for the late Christmas present. Carol arranged it to have the present delivered to her in-law’s house where Rindy was staying and as soon as they left the store, Therese handed her a bag that contained the sandals she wanted to buy. Carol smiled in defeat and took a closer look, agreeing that she would look very elegant with the platform heels on. Therese had a smug look on her face as Carol admired the shoes.

Several hours later, Carol dropped off Therese at her apartment after they went to pick up her car. “Thank you so much for tonight.” Therese said, her eyes practically glimmering.

“Yes, well, I had fun as well.” Carol said, waving as she rolled up the window. She finally arrived back at her New Jersey home just when Florence was about to retire for the night.

“A package arrived for you, ma’am. I left it on the counter in the kitchen.” The moment Carol’s eyes caught sight of the poorly taped wrapping paper on the small box with a card that said “To Mother”, her heart fluttered. Like an excited little child, she opened the box to see a wooden letter opener and a little handwritten note inside.

 Dear Mother,

Thank you for the cowboy doll. I’m a little old for dolls now but I still like it. Sorry if my present’s a little late. Daddy says you’re the one who gets all the letters now that he’s here at grandma and grandpa’s so I thought maybe this letter knife would be helpful. I love you.

Rindy

 Carol’s heart melted as she read the letter. She tossed the things she got from Chinatown at the sofa, including her new shoes, and slowly ran her fingers along the blunt wooden edge of her present. It was a glorious evening, a really magnificent evening.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the much delayed update. I’m still working on this fic but at a much slower pace than I had hoped. The past months have been rather difficult for me so please bear with me. Anyway, here’s the next chapter~

“Loosen up a little. You’ve been in that same spot ever since we got here.” Abby said, handing a glass of Martini to Carol sitting on a chair next to the wall. They were at a late Christmas party hosted by Abby’s ecologist friend at a townhouse in New Yonkers.

Carol was never one for big social gatherings but Abby insisted, probably still feeling guilty that she left her all alone on Christmas Eve for another party. Carol didn’t want to be alone again for another evening so she relented. “I guess I’m just not in the mood for socializing this evening.” Carol said flatly.

“That much I can tell.” Abby sat down next to her. “Something on your mind? Rindy not staying over still bothering you?”

“A little.” Carol said and absentmindedly sipped at her drink. “Looks like I shall take a trip after all.”

“Great. Where’re you headed?”

“I don’t know yet. Just a road trip most likely. Maybe I’ll go visit my father in Washington. Or maybe Elaine in Virginia.” Carol eyed the colorless liquid as she stirred it with the olive on the toothpick. She felt the air between them grow heavy all of a sudden, because of that unspoken line that Carol doesn’t want to be alone with Abby in a room at night. But Abby’s wide smile seemed to dissipate the tension. Carol was reluctant to say what came next.

“Well, I hope you have a great time, Carol. Let me know what cities you’ll head to so I’ll send you lots of letters on the way. If I know anyone where you’re headed, I could probably ask them to give you a little tour or something.”

_Oh Abby._ Carol smiled fondly. _You’ll always be my best friend._ She felt a little more comfortable with telling her the rest. “I don’t think that will be necessary. Part of the fun is exploring somewhere new.”

“I guess. Though you’d be in a real pinch if you get lost all alone in some strange city.”

_No turning back now._ “Actually, I was thinking of maybe taking someone along.” Carol said and averted her eyes but had a small smile on her lips.

“Oh? Who?” Abby’s face grew curious.

“Well… Maybe Therese. She could use the experience.” Abby’s expression clouded a little but Carol continued. “They say that travelling is a good way to pave your path towards being an adult.”

“Do you think she’ll come along though? Can she even afford it?”

“Well, she did get me that bag the other day.” Carol said cautiously, still trying to protect her pride given the people she associates herself with. “I was over at her place a few days ago. She works as a stage designer and she’s very talented. There’s a lot of potential in her and I’m sure she could land a Broadway job given enough time.”

“So that’s what she does.” Abby said with her fingers on her chin. “She mentioned something about working at some Black Cat thing near Morton Street when I drove her in. I didn’t pay too much attention to it though.”

“Well she’s very talented at what she does.” Carol said, another cover up because she felt that, although Therese’s work wasn’t subpar, she still had a long way to go. “She showed me some of her work and seems very interested in the arts. I admire people with such dedication.”

“That’s good to know…” Abby’s face lowered a little and Carol didn’t know why. “How’d you even meet her anyway?”

“At Frankenberg’s.” Carol said carefully, deciding whether to disclose the whole meeting altogether. “She had a job there as well. Probably just so she had something to do when she wasn’t working on stage designing.” While not exactly a lie, she didn’t know the exact reason why Therese had worked as a salesclerk in Frankenberg’s in the first place.

“I see…” Abby said quietly. “Oh, thanks for the skis by the way. I just got them in the mail this morning. Maybe if you pass by a ski resort, I’ll fly over and we can enjoy some skiing together.”

“Maybe not this year. I doubt Therese would have skis of her own.” A quick slip of the tongue that she quickly caught. She didn’t want Abby to think Therese had no culture or a sizeable income to spend on luxuries like skis. “Plus they’re too bulky to be bringing along in a road trip for most of the part.”

“Oh… well alright then…” Abby fiddled with her own drink. “When did you say Rindy would be in your custody again?”

“In about three months. Just in time for Rindy’s birthday in April.” Carol said and took out a cigarette but noticed the smoker’s pocket outside and decided she didn’t want to move from that spot so she slipped it back in.

“And will you be away for that long?” Abby said.

“I don’t know.” She said and brushed her hair on either side. “I’m not sure if Therese could afford being away for that long—her work, I mean. She must be very busy working on an upcoming play of some sorts.”

“I’m sure she is.” Abby said blankly. She didn’t say anything else for the rest of the night.

 

“Hello?” A deep voice said at the other side of the line.

“Hello, father? It’s me, Carol.” She said and absentmindedly ran her fingers through her hair. “I called because I wasn’t able to on Christmas Eve.”

“It’s nice to hear your voice again, Carol.” The old man said with a laugh. “Don’t worry about it. I know you must be busy with Harge and Rindy.”

Carol’s gaze cast to the floor. Her father didn’t have a clue about what was going on with her marriage. She contemplated briefly on whether or not to tell him the message over the phone but decided otherwise.

“Carol, still there?”

“Yes.” She said and cleared her throat. “I might come over to visit sometime early next year. Maybe late January or February.” She figured she might as well break the news to him personally.

“Oh, that’s swell. Are you coming over with Hargess and Rindy as well?” While her father wasn’t exactly fond of Harge, he did give him his approval long ago when he announced his intentions to marry Carol. They were cordial to each other at best.

“No, Rindy has school by then. I’ll be going with a friend.”

“Abby? I haven’t seen her in a while. How is she? Still not married?” He said with a laugh.

“Still single.” Carol said quietly. “And no, I’m not going with Abby. She’s… busy… I’ll call you again when the time comes.”

“Alright, Carol. Take care of yourself.”

 

“Sorry, Carol, I have to go meet someone for lunch.” Abby said over the phone.

“What about tonight? Are you free? We can go see that restaurant you were talking about in Manhattan.” Carol said.

“I, uhh, have to go somewhere else tonight. I don’t know what time I’ll be back.”

“Oh…” Carol fell silent.

“Carol… You’re still very lonely, aren’t you…?” Carol bit her lip in surprise, then reprimanded herself mentally for letting her desperation show through.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about me.” She tried to say as nonchalantly as possible but it might have come across as sarcastic.

“You’ll get through this, don’t worry.” Abby said. “Listen, I have to leave the house now or I’ll be late. I’ll call you maybe when I get back tonight.” Carol looked at the clock that read ten in the morning. Whoever Abby had to meet certainly didn’t live around the block. But she washed that thought away, along with the other ideas that were threatening to depress her, with a glass of rye stored from the bottle at the kitchen cupboard.

 

Later that day, while Carol was alone in the green room, Florence came knocking on the door. “A telephone call for you, ma’am.” Carol eyed the open book in front of her and swiftly closed it, wondering why she was so interested in reading a book about the Alps in the first place. She figured it would be Abby and hoped that maybe her agenda for the night was cancelled and that they could go to that restaurant she mentioned earlier. Or maybe—

“Hello? Carol? It’s me, Therese.” Carols lips widened instantly at the sound of her voice. If Abby wasn’t available, Therese would always be there to comfort her, a fact that Carol was becoming incredibly thankful for.

“Therese, how very nice of you to call.” She said through her wide smile.

“Well, I just wanted to talk to you today.” Therese said in a quiet voice and Carol sensed the dampened mood of the former.

“What’s the matter? You sound low.”

“Nothing. It's dull at work.”

And Carol’s smile came back. “Are you doing anything tonight? Would you like to come out?” She tried to contain the excitement in her voice but as always, it was Therese who expressed it herself.

“I’d like that. I can come by after work. I’ll be off at five thirty.”

“Come all the way here on your own? Nonsense.” Carol said and played with her hair. “It’s going to be such a rotten trip by train and you’ll already be tired from work. I’ll come pick you up. It’s the Black Cat Theatre, right? Near Morton Street?”

“You seem happy, Ma’am.” Florence said after the phone call ended.

Carol turned around as she was halfway up the stairs. “I guess I am.” She said as she continued back up to her room to get ready.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still alive~ First of all, I’d like to apologize for the sudden and unforeseen hiatus. I was sitting on half of this chapter since mid-April but couldn’t finish it at all until now. I won’t bore anyone with the details but I unfortunately, can’t make any promises either. I really do like writing this fic, however, and I’d really want to finish this just so I can read it myself over and over because Carol is just so ♥♥♥♥~  
> *Ahem* Anyway… Please enjoy this chapter~

Carol stared irritably outside the glass enclosed porch. What was supposed to be a pleasant evening with Therese certainly didn’t feel like it. “She just asked me a few things like how we met and things like that.” Therese said when asked what she and Abby talked about at lunch. Carol sighed and stretched her legs along the glider.

“The pastimes of idle people.” Carol said, referring to Abby, with an air of aloofness. A moment later, she realized that “idle people” meant her as well. She clarified the statement. “It’s time Abby got herself a job again.” _That way, she wouldn’t have time to meddle into these things._ Therese didn’t say a word, probably sensing the agitation in her voice. All she did was sit quietly in that leather stool across the glider looking out into the stillness of the night. “Don't you want to sit in a more comfortable chair?” Carol addressed Therese, as if protesting that she was being ignored.

“No.” The young woman replied.

“What else did Abby say that bothers you?” Carol said hollowly. She didn’t know why she was so upset about Abby meeting with Therese or why she was even upset at all.

“Nothing.” Therese replied and Carol shot another glance of impatience at her. “Does it bother you, Carol?” The glance turned into a quizzical one.

“Bother me?”

“You're different with me tonight.” Carol’s brows furrowed, upset that her mood was read so easily by someone else.

“You imagine.” Carol said lightly, trying to sound as calm as she could. The next few moments were filled with complete silence. One could hear a pin drop. Carol fidgeted with the lighter in her hand and dared Therese to say something first but quickly caught herself. Feelings of pettiness surfaced for being such a rotten host to her guest. She picked up Therese at work at five forty and the two drove around aimlessly before deciding to head back to Carol’s house. Nothing but light conversation ensured afterwards until dinner when the maid brought them a little something to eat before heading to the porch. _Isn’t that how our first few meetings always went? So why am I feeling so high-strung now? Could it be possible that I want—_

“I don't think Abby likes me.” Therese finally broke the silence in the air, and Carol’s train of thought in the process. “I don't think she wants me to see you.”

“That's not true. You're imagining again.” Carol chided, although she might have said that to herself as well.

“I don't mean she said it.” Therese said and shifted a little. “She was very nice. She invited me to a cocktail party.”

“Whose party?” Carol’s eyebrows raised suddenly.

“I don't know. She said uptown. She said you wouldn't be there, so I didn't particularly want to go.” Therese said bashfully.

“Where uptown?” Carol felt the sting of betrayal suddenly, recalling Abby’s apologetic tone during the phone call at lunch.

"She didn't say. Just that one of the girls giving it was an actress."

"She did…" Carol mumbled as she placed her lighter down. Her pride began to assert itself again. “Sit over here, Therese.” She cooed and Therese came closer, sitting just at the base of the glider. _If Abby thinks I’m so petty that I can’t manage without her company then she’s sorely mistaken!_ “You mustn't think Abby feels that way about you. I know her well enough to know she wouldn't.” She said matter-of-factly and Therese nodded. _Of course she wouldn’t. She’s too busy partying all day to care._ “But Abby's incredibly clumsy sometimes in the way she talks.” The young woman was silent. She could probably sense the oh-so-subtle displeasure in the older woman’s voice. “Hop up.” Carol nudged Therese with her foot when she noticed her still sitting on the floor. She got impatient however, and sat up before Therese could even get on her feet.

As if right on cue, Florence entered the porch carrying a tray of coffee that Carol instructed to prepare earlier. Earlier thoughts of Abby flew out into the night. “The cream’s in here, ma’am.” The formally dressed maid said, pointing at the pitcher that looked out of place in the porcelain coffee set. Carol told her discreetly earlier to prepare lots of cream in case Therese found the espresso too bitter. Florence eyed her employer’s wife blankly before carrying out the request. “Will there be anything else, ma’am? Shall I put out the lights?”

“No, I like the lights. We won't need anything else, thanks.” But after a brief pause, she asked. “Did Mrs. Riordan call?” Carol recalled the late Christmas card from Mrs. Riordan that thanked her for the sweater and promised to call one time. “Will you tell her I'm out when she does?” Carol said after Florence said the plump middle aged lady hasn’t called yet. She didn’t want to be bothered by anyone at all that evening.

“Yes, ma'am.” Florence said. Carol expected the maid to be on her way but she paused. “I was wondering if you were finished with that new book, ma'am. The one about the Alps.”

“Go in my room and get it, if you’d like, Florence. I don't think I want to finish it.” Carol said, weariness prevailing in her voice.

“Thank you, ma’am.” Florence said with a slight nod in her head. “Goodnight, ma'am.” Then she turned to Therese. “Goodnight, miss.”

“Goodnight.” Carol said and absentmindedly walked towards the demitasse set with the coffee. She was tired and irritable, but also lonely at that very moment despite the company of the young woman close by. She recalled hearing that loneliness stems from the lack of real connections with other people and Carol very much believed in that. Even with Abby around, Carol’s loneliness could never be permanently kept at bay, especially now that she was off partying somewhere else without her.

 _Nobody cares… Not about the divorce or how I…_ Carol picked up the pitcher of coffee and proceeded to pour some into the half cups. She was hoping Therese could maybe fill that void, but that idea was too bizarre and, given Carol’s mood that evening, seemed impossible. True, the young woman was head over heels for her, but that was simple puppy love and Therese was still so young. She knew that girls who liked girls would often grow out of it once they reach a certain age. As much as it upset her, Carol was just waiting for Therese to get over her. Then there was Rindy…

“Have you decided how soon you’re going away?” Therese said, once more intruding the realm of thoughts in Carol’s mind.

“Maybe in about a week.” Carol gave a superficial answer and handed Therese the coffee with a thoughtful serving of cream in it. “Why?”

“Just that I’ll miss you… Of course.” Therese tried to say it casually but Carol felt the subtle undercurrents and it stunned her.

What if she was wrong about Therese? She would care enough to actually outright say that she would miss her. What if she could actually be the one to stave off her loneliness for good? _My angel…_ The hidden desires from inside her began to crawl out, some of them impure. Carol felt the cold stare of the Wooden Madonna suddenly but she decided to take that chance. With her heart in her mouth, a cigarette in hand and the fear of rejection looming behind her, she tried to say as casually as possible. “I was thinking, in fact, you might like to go with me…”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit delayed because halfway through, I got a little sidetracked and wrote a little something else for a change. It’s quite dark and heavy, but if you’re not very squeamish, you can check it out here~ http://archiveofourown.org/works/11780883  
> It’s an over-dramatization of what’s supposed to happen later on in this story and offers some insight despite the radically different events. At the very least, you’ll know why I titled this “The Pillar of Salt”~
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter~

“What do you think, for three weeks or so?” Carol’s voice was light, completely untinged with any emotion, just as she mentally rehearsed over and over, yet she still braced herself for the sting of rejection should it come. She knew at the back of her mind that Therese was in love with her but whether or not those affections were enough, Carol didn’t know.

The young woman seemed surprised at first, just as Carol expected, but another emotion seemed to show on her face that she couldn’t decipher. “You mentioned it to Abby, didn't you?” Therese said.

“Yes. Why?” A puzzled look fell on Carol’s face. That was certainly not the response she was hoping for.

The younger woman paused slightly, as if gathering the words she wanted to say with Carol being completely oblivious to it. “It just seems strange you'd tell her before you said anything to me.”

 _She’s still probably hung up on Abby._ “I didn't tell her. I only said I might ask you.” Carol stood up and gently touched Therese's shoulders. “Look, there's no reason for you to feel like this about Abby.” Her eyes rolling at the petty jealousy she could sense in her. “Unless Abby said a lot else to you at lunch that you didn't tell me…” Her last words still trailing from the betrayal she felt earlier.

“No.” But what Therese didn’t say, Carol felt. She was jealous of Abby, Carol’s best friend and most trusted companion ever since they were children. The young woman’s affection for her seeming all the more obvious now, Carol was almost certain Therese would jump at this opportunity that she was giving her.

“Abby's a very old friend of mine. I talk over everything with her.” Her allegiance shifting immediately to Abby. Therese never mentioned having a best friend at all to Carol, just Richard who she seemed to be having hard times with. And Carol felt grateful that she had a friend who would at least spend a good fraction of her time with her anyways. It prevents her from having silly fits of jealousy that Therese seemed to be having at the moment.

“Yes.”

“Well, do you think you'd like to go?” Her voice sounding impatient because she hasn’t gotten a straight reply from the young woman yet, and the anticipation was killing her. She turned away, hoping to hide the delight in her eyes should Therese accept, or the sudden shock should she turn her down now.

“Thanks… I don't think I can afford it just now.”

“You wouldn't need much money. We'd go in the car.” Her mood shifted again to something just short of desperation and Carol didn’t like how it sounded. “But if you have a job offered you right away, that's different.” She hated feeling this way, these moments of vulnerability that she would always feel when socializing with Harge’s friends or family. To think she would start to feel like this again from someone like Therese? She straightened her posture and her aura of pride began reasserting itself. _Fine then, I’ll just go by myself. I don’t need you at all._ A lie.

Instead of giving a definite answer, Therese got up and inspected something at the end table, much to Carol’s displeasure. “What is it?” The matron said with an unnoticeable edge in her voice, eyes locked on the girl. She was quickly getting tired of the indecisiveness of her companion and knew that the latter was probably having an immature fit of her own that very moment. What other reason would there be if she wasn’t too preoccupied with her own thoughts swimming in her head?

“It's a picture of Rindy.” Therese replied.

And that was all it took to dispel Carol’s directed anger. “Of Rindy? Let’s see it.” Instantly, Carol’s face softened, almost melancholically as she was reminded of her daughter’s absence in her life. “It’s not a very good picture, is it?” She remembered taking this photograph herself, three years ago a lake during one of their very seldom family vacations. Her disputes with Harge haven’t escalated as much yet and Carol did enjoy that trip in spite of herself, mostly because of Rindy. “Would you like a cigarette? There's some over here.” She said to Therese, pointing at a new box at the corner. “Rindy’s going to stay with Harge for the next three months.”

“Is that in New Jersey too?” Therese said with a fresh unlit cigarette at hand.

“Yes. Harge's family lives in New Jersey. They’ve a big house.” She hesitated on saying any further. But if she was expecting to spend the next few weeks with Therese, she might as well get comfortable with her. Hoping for some more of Therese’s considerate-stranger kindness, she opened up further. “The divorce will come through in a month, I think, and after March, I'll have Rindy the rest of the year.”

“Won't she miss you?”

“Yes, but she's very fond of her father, too.” Carol said matter-of-factly. She had good reason to like her father because he never treats her the same way as he does to Carol. Better her than Rindy, she supposed.

“Fonder than she is of you?” Therese asked bluntly. _No considerate stranger there._ Though it may be because Therese was becoming less and less of a stranger to Carol now.

“No.” Carol flatly denied, almost defensively. “Not really. But he’s bought her a goat to play with now. He takes her to school on his way to work, and he picks her up at four. Neglects his business for her— and what more can you ask of a man?” She said, almost with a smile.

“You didn't see her Christmas, did you?” Therese prodded further.

“No. Because of something that happened in the lawyer's office.” It was beginning to sound more and more like an interrogation but Carol was prepared to talk. It was probably because the young woman was obviously so interested in her and Carol has been keeping the details of her life very secretively from Therese. Carol told her about what happened in the lawyer’s office, of how Rindy wanted to go decorate the tree at Harge’s family’s house. “Harge's machinations are enough.”

“You won't even visit her?”

And Carol stopped. The conversation was slowly beginning to open old wounds. But she kept on telling herself that maybe, just maybe, this little angel could bring about the healing of those wounds. And so she opened up further. “Not very often. I talk to Rindy every day on the telephone anyway. Sometimes she calls me… The family isn't too cordial. They never cared for me and are very fond of criticizing me. They pick out the funny things like for not playing bridge, or not liking to.”

“They sound horrid.”

“They’re not horrid.” Carol said calmly, feeling less and less convinced this is the same Christmas angel that warded off her loneliness many nights ago. “One's just supposed to conform. I know what they'd like, they'd like a blank they could fill in. A person already filled in disturbs them terribly.” _All they ever expected from Harge’s wife is to be nothing more than barefoot and pregnant. To be a part of the Aird family. To do nothing more than sit in one corner and nod to everything they tell her._

Then Carol realized that even her words were starting to come off as vehement, and so she stopped talking about Harge’s family. “And now Rindy's got television every day. Hopalong Cassidy. How she'd love to go out West.” Carol’s tone of voice finally lifted, what other way to bring a smile to her face than to talk about her cherished daughter? “That's the last doll I'll ever buy for her, Therese. I only got it because she said she wanted one, but she's outgrown them.” Referring to the very doll that brought the two women together. Another thing to be thankful for Rindy.

“Harge doesn't make it easy for you to see her, does he? I don't see how he could be so much in love with you.”

 _And you’re implying that you could do better?_ Carol’s thoughts dared Therese. “It's not love. It's a compulsion. I think he wants to control me. I suppose if I were a lot wilder but never had an opinion on anything except his opinion—” Then she stopped, wondering if the little girl’s mind who asked for some milk could even comprehend adult matters that doesn’t involve happily-ever-after’s. “Can you follow all this?” Therese nodded. And Carol unloaded, showing Therese that behind that lush mink coat was a sharp and rational adult mind. “It's getting to be a disease, isn't it, not being able to love? Maybe it's the times. If one wanted to, one could make out a case for racial suicide. Man trying to catch up with his own destructive machines. You're the young generation. And what have you got to say?” She loved having these conversations with people like Stanley McVeigh and—although she doesn’t seem like it, Abby. Harge’s family would never acknowledge that the woman he married actually has a brain.

“I suppose the first thing is not to be afraid.” Therese said after not saying anything for a while. Carol’s lips furled into a smile. The same smile Therese gave her when she caught her not listening to a thing she said that lunch at the restaurant. “You're smiling because you think I am afraid, I suppose.”

Carol took a new cigarette and lit it. “You're about as weak as this match.” _Were you even paying attention to a word I was saying, little girl?_ She found it amusing, a child trying to act as an adult, and also charming. “But given the right conditions, you could burn a house down, couldn't you?” _And ignite my heart along with it…_

“Or a city.” Therese said with a smile even though what she said hardly made any sense.

Carol’s face darkened. “But you're even afraid to take a little trip with me. You're afraid because you think you haven't got enough money.”

“That's not it.” Therese’s said, startled from Carol’s sudden change in demeanor.

“You've got some very strange values, Therese. I asked you to go with me, because it would give me pleasure to have you.” _To have you alongside me as we get away from all of this chaos in my life. To have you stave off these melancholic thoughts that threaten to break me down every time I’m alone. To have you love me with a passionate heart that I need the most right now. I need you, my angel._ She looked at Therese in the eyes, with an expression that shifted to that of annoyance before continuing. “But you've got to spoil it by a silly pride about money. Like that handbag you gave me. Out of all proportion. Why don't you take it back, if you need the money? I don't need the handbag. It gave you pleasure to give it to me, I suppose. It's the same thing, you see. Only I make sense and you don't.” What she didn’t expect was that Therese was now smiling, which further agitated her. “Well, do you think it's funny?”

“I don't care about the money…” Therese said in a shy voice and a small smile on her face.

“What do you mean?” Carol was now the one confused.

“I've got the money to go. I'll go.” Therese said happily and Carol just stared at her.

The delight she was preparing herself to hide has just shown itself completely. “What brought this happy change about?”

“You do seem to care whether I go or not.” Therese said bashfully. Carol realized she just told Therese that she likes her. _Silly girl._

“Of course I care. I asked you, didn't I?” She said tenderly—the smile never leaving her face, and left the room.


	20. Chapter 20

Pay to the order of: Therese M. Belivet

Amount: Two Hundred Dollars.

 

“What are you doing?” Therese’s voice came from behind her.

Carol had just finished signing the check and quickly slipped it into her pocket. “What am I doing?” She reiterated. “Something.” And completely pushing the topic aside altogether, “Let’s have some music.”

Therese smiled giddily as she followed Carol out of the room. Her mood once again reflecting Carol’s, though the latter felt no need to deny it.

“Why don’t you get ready for bed first? It’s late, do you know that?” The older woman suggested. If they were to spend a few weeks together on the road and in several hotels, Carol thought they might as well get used to sleeping in proximity.

“It always gets late with you.” Therese said with a dreamy look on her face.

Carol rolled her eyes. “Is that a compliment?” It sounded just like something one would say when you’re flirting, and Carol felt tickled.

“I don’t feel like going to bed tonight.” Therese answered, instantly bouncing from suave young lady to immature little girl. Carol brushed the thought away.

“You get ready. You've got circles under your eyes.” She said as she led Therese to Rindy’s bed in Harge’s room.

As Carol closed the door, she began humming in spite of herself. She was finally happy that evening, and picked up a record of Billie Holiday to match that mood.

Just to look at you… my heart grows tipsy in me… You and you alone… bring out the gypsy… in me…

Cutting through the slow jazz was the sharp ring of the telephone. Carol had a hunch it would be Abby, though there weren’t really that many people who would call her besides Abby. “Hello?”

“Hello, Carol?” It was a voice different from Abby’s, more bubbly and lively.

Esther “Tessie” Rowan was another one of Abby’s friends she met at her vague job as a reserve entomologist. Carol wouldn’t exactly call her a close friend but she would show up from time to time when Abby was around.

“You’re still at home? I thought you were coming to the party.” She said amidst the clinking of glasses and noisy chattering in the background.

“Did Abby say that?” Carol said and raised a suspicious eyebrow.

“Yes, but she also said you might get stuck on family responsibilities for the afternoon so we were just hoping you could come. I’m sure Mr. Aird wouldn’t mind if you could have a little fun for yourself once in a while.”

Carol’s eyes rolled at Abby’s silly excuses. “It’s a long story. I am sorry, Tessie, but I did get stuck after all.” She tried to say as apologetically as she could but was really more amused at what silly story Abby had to make up. _Hmm, “Tessie”, that even sounds like a better nickname for Therese than that awful unisex name Terry._ “Is it a good party?”

“It’s great. Any party hosted by movie hotshots is a big one. It’s not Hollywood or anything but the drinks are nice and strong. I mean if…” Carol wondered if she should get some drinks to celebrate with Therese, a toast to her upcoming journey ahead. “You should really head over here. The night is still young and it’s only here uptown.”

“Well, I’m not dressed and I’m tired.” They did just have coffee earlier but a little alcohol before bed wouldn’t hurt anybody.

“Is that Carol?” Abby’s voice came from the background. “Let me talk to her. Hello, Carol?” It sounded like she grabbed the telephone from Tessie in a hurry.

“‘Stuck on family responsibilities’?” Carol said mockingly.

“Sorry, I didn’t really want to tell them you were still having problems.” Abby sounded a bit tipsy, like alcohol must have thoroughly loosened up her tongue.

“And what about your meet up with a ‘friend’ at lunch? You didn’t say that that ‘friend’ was also one of mine.”

Abby cursed involuntarily. “She told you, huh?”

“Yes, she did. She’s here with me right now in the house.”

“Oh… It was just a friendly chat, to get to know each other better.”

“Well, I don't like it, one damn bit.” Carol said, trying to sound angrier than she was in order to get back at Abby. “And you decided to invite her to the party instead of me.”

“I’m so sorry, Carol.” Abby said in a desperate voice exaggerated by who knows how many drinks she’s had. “I just didn’t think you’d want to be around these types of parties. You know how they are here.”

“How do I know what kind of people they are?” Carol was starting to enjoy it. Maybe she ought to loosen Abby’s tongue more often.

“They’re not the type of crowd that suits you. You’re too good for them. You’re too beautiful for these girls.”

“Oh-ho! Is that so?” Carol almost burst out laughing. How she wished she had a Dictaphone to record what Abby had just said.

“Please forgive me, Carol… I just… wanted to know what kind of person she is if you’re planning to be all alone with her on that trip… Are you still going?”

“Yes, we’re going.” Carol said with a proud voice. She felt this odd empowerment that moment with the remorsefully drunk Abby.

“You… sound very happy tonight… don’t you?” Abby’s voice took a more solemn tone.

“Well, I am. Don’t I sound it?” She said, trying to rub it in further.

“You must really… like her a lot, don’t you, Carol?”

“That’s nobody’s business but mine, is it?”

“Do you… love her…? The way you used to love…”

“Nonsense!” Carol denied vehemently. “You’ve had too many drinks for the night, Abigail! I suggest you sober up and head straight home.”

“I’m…” Abby said and cleared her throat. “I’m fine. It’s a great party! Let me talk to Therese. She’s missing out on so much.”

Carol rolled her eyes and called out to her houseguest. “Why don’t you come say hello to Abby?”

“Why?” Therese said bashfully from the bathroom.

“Come along.” Carol chided, wanting to make Abby regret even more what she had done.

“Hello?” Therese said after she handed her the telephone. Carol went to the kitchen cupboard and found a bottle of coffee liquor. She figured since they had coffee earlier, it might as well be good enough, though she didn’t particularly like the drink.

“Oh, well thanks, I guess…” Therese said awkwardly on the phone as Carol walked back in with two little glasses.

“Cut it, cut it!” Carol waved. Maybe handing Therese the phone wasn’t a very good idea. Who knows what silly drunken madness Abby might be telling her. _“Do you… love her...?” That’s absolute nonsense!_

“She wants to talk to you again.” Therese said to Carol.

“Tell Abigail I’m in the tub.” Carol said coyly, suddenly amused to be pitting her two friends in such an awkward conversation.

“Goodbye.” Therese finally said and lowered the phone. She slowly turned to Carol. “What’s the matter with Abby?”

“What do you mean, what’s the matter with her?” Carol felt protective of Therese all of a sudden. “I think she’s had a couple tonight.”

“I know. But why did she want to have lunch with me?”

“Well… I guess a lot of reasons.” And trying to steer the topic away, she said “Try some of this stuff.”

“It just seems vague…” Yet the young woman was still caught up in it.

“What does?” Carol said and handed her the drink.

“The whole lunch.”

“Some things are always vague, darling.” She said casually, tasting the words of endearment for the first time, hoping it would be enough to bring the attention of those admiring eyes to her.

“What things?”

But Carol sighed. “A lot of things. The most important things.” She was getting impatient. “Taste your drink.”

Therese took a sip and smiled. “Tastes good.”

“You would think so.” Carol said again with her unreadable expression that she knew Therese would love, or at least fixate on instead of matters regarding Abby.

“Why do you drink it if you don't like it?”

“Because it's different. This is to our trip, so it's got to be something different.” Stopping for just a second to prepare for the unpleasant experience, she downed the rest of the glass. Yet despite the bitter taste, she could feel Therese’s eyes roaming all over her again. Carol was looking forward to that trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> $200 in 1948 is worth about $2,000 now in 2018.


End file.
